tag:dreamwidth.org,2009-04-22:115144Random ravesTrixtahTrixtah2010-07-09T12:50:00Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2009-04-22:115144:276542Moments of annoyance2010-07-09T12:26:53Z2010-07-09T12:50:00Zpublic11So, there was a thread on dot_poly_snark over on LJ, where someone got snarked when they went all bawwwwww about their coming out to one friend who didn't immediately do the happy dance about the good news. And justifiably so.<br /><br />But one person commented by saying in part, <em>"<span>But then generally, I don't get the whole "coming out" process for poly people. Just live your life and the people will either figure it out or they won't."</span></em><span><br /><br />Obviously I'm just a big old queer with a chip on my shoulder, because this really irked me. And I had to rant in reply:<br /><br /></span><div style="margin-left: 40px;"><span>Mmmnh, so why would anyone bother coming out at all. Ok, I'm very slightly beyond "Queer Nation" myself, but if everyone chooses to remain invisible, society as a whole will certainly choose to continue ignoring you. I look as dykey as dykey can be, but it still irks the fuck out of me when people obviously <i>decide</i> not to "figure it out" and then force me to decide whether they are going to roll out the overt bigotry thing on me if I make it clear what my relationship status is, or just do the awkward why-are-you-making-me-deal-with-shit-out<wbr></wbr>side-my-comfort-zone silence.<br /><br />I know you're not precisely saying you are remaining invisible, but it's the more open people who ensure that we aren't ignored as a whole. Because being ignored is actually not that many steps away from being marginalised, excluded from the usual set of social rights, and then to outright persecution. No thanks, it's not long ago when I had no right to expect fair treatment in terms of retaining my job or accommodation.<br /><br />I do however agree that people who get shocked and amazed when they give acquaintances confronting information that is not immediately welcomed with open arms are precious in the extreme. Not to wah on about privilege, but it's fascinating when (mostly) het white middle-class people realise that others will always consider them to be second-class citizens because of their "lifestyle choices".</span></div><br />I dunno, maybe I got a bit into lecture mode, but "letting people figure it out for themselves" is only a useful strategy when you're coming from a fairly secure base to begin with. I <em>still </em>don't overtly out myself at work, except to a selected few people, sometimes. Maybe I'm still paranoid, but fuck, we only got "rights" in NZ the year I officially came out. And given the whole gay marriage debacle, we still aren't fully equal citizens, according to most - I'm still not in favour of marriage as a whole, but this willful discrimination just serves to show we don't have "real" relationships and we're not "equal" in some fundamental ways. It's fucked up.<br /><br />And I'm still fucking angry with <a href="http://www.theage.com.au/national/gillard-against-gay-marriage-20100630-zkcj.html">Gillard</a>, to give it some Australian context. Not that I can vote here, so it's all a bit moot.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=trixtah&ditemid=276542" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2009-04-22:115144:243931In other news2009-06-21T14:16:01Z2009-06-21T14:16:01Zmehpublic4I need a holiday. I've been having twinges of existential angst this weekend - why am I here? Is this the kind of job I want to do? Is there any point continuing study in this field? What the fuck am I expecting to <em>achieve</em>?<br /><br />And then there was a fun one this afternoon - I had a few moments of seriously wishing I weren't poly. It's interesting - I've never had a problem with internalised homophobia, not even when I saw the first softcore porno when I was 16 with an MFF scene in it (I was like "holy fuck, I'm <em>not </em>straight!"), or self-hatred in general. But I struggled with being non-monogamous all throughout my 20s, and there are relationships that ended simply because of that fact. As well as the fact I was in denial (I <em>like</em> commitment, in an extremely independent kind of way) and totally mishandled things as a result. But the dating pool for poly dykes is pretty minuscule. I most certainly don't want to get entangled with someone who wants to do the U-Haul thing; conversely, I don't want casual shags. Hah, despite my wibbles about social events in general, I have no doubts about my abilities to pick someone up for a shag, if I get that desperate. I'm just <em>not</em> that desperate; I happen to prefer shagging people I <em>like</em>.<br /><br />I also don't know why I'm thinking about all that when I'm not actually interested in getting entangled in general at the moment (unless it's a clearly defined FWB-type thing). I don't have the emotional space. But, yeah, the wanting to get rid of something that's just part of me, fuzzy boundaries and all (in <em>one</em> sense), and which, after acknowledging, has allowed me to have the most <em>functional</em> relationships of my entire life, was a bit strange.<br /><br />Perhaps it's mid-life crisis time. Heh.<br /><br />Anyways, it's nothing bad, per se. Mid-winter mehness is probably the predominant driver, general energy drain, and the need for a decent break and some positive vibes. <br /><br />On a completely irrelevant note, the sky and light late this afternoon looked like Millais's picture of <a href="http://www.artchive.com/artchive/m/millais/millais_leaves.jpg">Autumn Leaves</a>. Very evocative.<br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=trixtah&ditemid=243931" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments