trixtah: (potter)
Christ, I don't know what was going on in my brain last night, but my dreams were totally full of sex last night. Not one, but two ex-lovers, and the cute chickie at work. One of the ex-lovers dreams was particularly irritating, because it was the relationship that broke up because I'm poly and she ostensibly isn't. In the dream, both she and her current partner were totally fine with the poly thing, and it was all rainbows and unicorn farts and happy (queer) families. As for the dream about the cute chickie at work, let's just say she was unusually skilled and assertive (in terms of asking for what she wanted) for someone who hasn't had lesbian sex (I assume). Wish fulfilment or what?

I also have no idea what brought that on, which is the irritating part. I haven't been thinking about sex particularly, nor relationships nor any of the people concerned in any different way to what I do in general. Heh, also, I don't know why I have such a fetish about figuring out why I might have weird dreams. It's like I expect my brain's inner workings or triggers to be logical or something. :-)
trixtah: (Default)
You Are An INFJ
The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience.
You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

Heh, I'm an excellent listener when I remember to shut up - and that's not actually a facetious remark. The infinite patience part is definitely FAIL though (although it WAY increases proportionally in relation to how much I care about someone). As for creativity, well, meh.
trixtah: (Default)
Dear Ms [Trix]:

Thank you for your application for entry to the University. I am pleased to offer admission to the following:

Course Code: 841AA Course name: Graduate Certificate in Business Informatics

Commencement Period: 23 February 2008

Holy shitcakes.

Dear procrastinating and lazy part of myself - please to be getting your shit together before I take this on. I would quite like to have a respectable piece of paper to wave around sometime in the next year or so. Aspirational, moi?



trixtah: (Default)
...and yes, somewhat wiser, I think.

It's the big 4-0 today, and while I'm officially now "middle-aged", I don't feel it (for what it's worth, I seem to be stuck at a self-perception of being in my early 30s). However, I no longer feel like a callow youth, which is nice. Compared to when I turned 30, I have:

  • a decent career, for pretty much as long as I choose to pursue it
  • no debt
  • a groovy car
  • more happiness
  • more "emotional intelligence" (wanky term, but it fits)
  • a relationship model that works for me.
  • and a current relationship, ditto
On the non-credit side of the ledger, I don't yet own property, I have no financial assets to speak of, my general health is as good as ever, and I might be a tiny tidge less fit, but not that much (given the fact I was pretty average when I was 30, and I still am). My hair is a shade lighter due to the amount of grey.

Speaking of health, though, I've had a horrible stomach bug these last few days which mainly manifested itself as headache, dizziness, nausea and no energy. I suppose it was good that there were no very messy manifestations elsewhere, although I've never been wiped out this badly by something like this before. I'm living on toast and baked beans at present, but my stomach was enough recovered today that I could have some very nommy birthday chocolate cake baked by [ profile] saluqi in her groovy new oven at her and [ profile] faxon's groovy new house.

I also got one of the best evar birthday presents from [ profile] reynardo and [ profile] lederhosen - lolspeak magnets! "I maded u a purrito but I ated it",  "loldog sez iz mah cheezburger invisible?" and "frozn harbles do not want!!1!" on the freezer are my faves so far. The kit needs more "noms" though.

And thanks to everyone who's given me birthday wishes!
trixtah: (tired)
[cute poochies, because it'd be nice to have one to cuddle up to right now]

Well, I've finally gotten around to going to see a homeopath myself, for the first time in years. While after doing 4 years of study in homeopathy (and actually qualifying), I should probably be able to diagnose myself, if I'm suffering from something or other, I find it quite tricky. It's hard to see what a pathology is when you're right in the middle of it.

I drove for two hours to see the homeopath (in Mittagong), since she's a graduate of a very reputable homeopathy school in Sydney (which is a branch of a NZ school, which is how I know of it). Of course, she promptly told me of a homeopath here in Canberra whom she recommends... and whose name I've just found now on the HomeopathyOz website. I think what puts me off that site is the fact their qualifications aren't listed. I'm afraid I have a prejudice against someone with a qualification in naturopathy practising as a homeopath (since it generally won't be "classical" homeopathy). I also wasn't too sure about the role of the Australian Homeopathic Society, but it appears they're not a grab-bag of randomly qualified practitioners - so now I know where to look in future!

Of course, the annoying thing is that once I made the appointment, my brain promptly kicked into gear, and I thought of a potion that I could have taken about umpteen years ago. And that's what she ended up prescribing to me today - go me! (I was very careful not to cast the interview in the direction of the potion I was thinking of. I hope.)

So, why a potion? Of late, I've been getting increasingly irritable, and it's starting to bug me. I'm definitely one of those people of whom it is said "her bark is worse than her bite", but there is a limit to how much snappishness - which I don't normally express at targets, actually - I can put up with in myself. It's kind of a defensive mechanism for when I'm feeling oversensitive/stressed - I'm much worse if I'm disturbed in some way after having done nice relaxing things like tai chi, osteopathy or sex - but there are probably more constructive ways of filtering trivial aggravations rather than just reacting.

The homeopath seemed quite challenged (in a good way) by the fact that I have been impatient and irritable my entire life. Homeopathy will never get rid of that kind of thing altogether, but it should hopefully be mitigated and the energy directed more constructively. If the remedy works.

At the same time, my general inertia and procrastination has been bugging me no end, so hopefully something will kick that into gear as well. She also pounced on the fact that I got knocked back for a blood donation last time and pointed out that while I'm not exactly anaemic, I'm obviously not great on the iron count. And she found the tremor in my hands quite entertaining (in that sick homeopath kind of way - the more distinctive the symptoms, the more we love it). So she pointed out that some of the lack of energy and so on could be due to simple mineral deficiency, so I need to get tested for my general iron and magnesium levels (among others). It seemed like a balanced approach.

I hate pill-popping, including vitamin supplements (being of the school that reckons if your system is working properly, you'll absorb it from your diet), but she did point out - sensibly enough - that some of us require more of this and that, and the iron thing is a clinical effect that's been made obvious already ...essentially I need to suck up the fact that I might need to take a supplement if I'm not going to guzzle red meat. Bleah. (Hah, according to that blood type diet "theory" - which seems like bollocks to me, btw, I require some degree of evidence (yes, I know, I know, I am into homeopathy) - I should be scoffing as much red meat as I can find. *snortle*)

Anyways, I took the potion, which is simply rock salt, prepared homeopathically, and called "natrum muriaticum". You know all that stuff about homeopaths shaking remedies up in a special way that makes them active? No, actually, it's when we use the Latin names for the substances - that is the magic. :-D

Anyways, I'm officially wiped out - whether by the potion or the 4 hour drive - and we will see what happens. Possibly an all-day workshop at work tomorrow about a topic I feel very cynical about is not the best timing, but I will endeavour to keep my mouth shut. Of course, we only got informed about it earlier this week - a whole day out of my schedule! - and I'm not that enamoured of the 8:30 start time. I can sense it will be fun fun already.
trixtah: (Default)
The nice thing about YouTube and such things is not just music, but being able to find a huge variety of clips on pretty much anything of interest. This is the best Hun Yuan tai chi clip I've found yet. Just lovely. Ignore the n00b comment in the post that questions how accurate the form is - from my limited understanding, it's spot on. And it looks gorgeous too. It's fantastic to see the flow when a top practitioner does an entire form; I love the dynamic leaping movements that then end with his feet seemingly planted to the earth. He's got a whole pile of other videos which include the 38-form "Cannon" version, and a sabre form. The 9-section whip is fascinating (although the video isn't that clear). There's a mini-doco on the whip here; the master who demonstrates in the second half is amazing.

Anyways, one of the benefits of tai chi and many other meditation and martial art practices is supposed to be an enhanced sense of calm and balance. I also go to the osteopath semi-regularly, and that sends me off into another zone as well. However, as I mentioned to [ profile] saluqi and [ profile] faxon yesterday, it doesn't seem to necessarily be a positive thing. If I do good tai chi (relatively speaking!) or have a big osteo treatment, I feel very calm and quiet and open. Then something comes along to upset that calm, and it sends me into instant irritation. I got severely irritated with a manager shoulder-tapping me about something relatively trivial after an osteopathic treatment on Friday. While I wasn't outright rude, it was bordering on it, and despite the fact I'm an evil snappy Cancerian most of the time, I can normally express irritation without being rude and in less potentially self-damaging ways.

I suppose when I'm really evolved, feeling open and acutely-aware won't necessarily translate to "vulnerable" and "over-sensitive". Speed the day. Although it's nice to know that I'm apparently not the only one.
trixtah: (Default)
Another from that post!

Are you safe to approach when you stub your toe?

Um, yes. I think I'm always "safe" (as much as anyone can truly be).

Longer answer: if I stub my toe or hit myself with a hammer, there may be complete silence, more or less swearing, and the occasional bout of stampy-feet if I'm utterly pissed off with myself for having done something really stupid. Also, if I'm pissed off with myself or in enough pain, I can be quite short, in the moment. It's directed at me, not anyone else. I'm not going to lash out at anyone, especially when it's something I did to myself!

(PS. I'm a little twitchy at any potential implication that I might be dangerous/violent towards someone. It's a bit of An Issue due to Past Bullshit, but since people in my flist have no knowledge of that crap, no point being oversensitive.)
trixtah: (Default)
Following on from my post here.

I have to confess that this one shocked me a bit!

Boys. Girls. Boys that were girls. Girls that were boys.
Being a New Zealander, how did you cope in your old country with realising (and then taking action on) your own preferences for partners? Is it still as conservative as some people would have us believe? Or is there a new wave of (im)morality through the islands?

As a New Zealander, I was in a pretty privileged position where I came out, and when I did. The place was definitely a backwater until the end of the 1970s, but in the last 30 years, I think it's become one of the most socially-liberal places in the world (leaving aside Northern Europe, of course. Heh.) It's more liberal, in general, than Australia is after the depredations of the Howard regime. It's a fuckton more liberal than the US.

NZ passed the Homosexual Law Reform act in 1986. This decriminalised gay sex, although lesbian sex, following British precedent, had never been criminalised. The fundie churches and various other odds and sods fought long and hard about it - the fundies had compiled a huge petition, and lost a lot of points when it was found that a large proportion of the signatures had been forged. I know of more than one of my exes who signed at the time because it had been passed around at their church and they couldn't not sign. It was my last year of school, I had just come out myself, and so I remember it all very very well. I was out there with my little placard on a number of occasions. It passed by 49 to 44 votes in Parliament. The age of consent was set for 16, same as for het sex.

Full equal rights under the law came a little later. The Police, who were run by a fundie Christian, initially made noises about attempting to gain an exemption to any anti-discriminatory provisions in law. Unfortunately, that was undermined when the NZ Army, Navy and Air Force all said "bring it on" and they had no problem with queers in the military (although I know of one captain who had left a couple of years earlier because she could no longer cope with the fear of discovery). So, discrimination on the grounds of sexuality was outlawed in 1993. The Human Rights Commission (who polices the Human Rights Act) have also said that discrimination against transsexuals is outlawed by the already-existing measures against discrimination by reason of sex. NZ had the first transsexual mayor (of a conservative country town!) and Member of Parliament in the world, Georgina Beyer (who was also a former prostitute and very open about her past. 

Legislation was passed in 2000 giving property rights to couples living in defacto relationships - this made no distinction between same-sex or opposite-sex partners. A Civil Union act was eventually passed in 2004, and essentially gives the same rights as marriage. It also applies to gay or straight couples. There are currently 5 out MPs in Parliament, out of 120. There are still a few hiding in the woodwork, but the most commonly rumoured-about ones are in the National (conservative) party, so I'm afraid my sympathy level for them is about zero. The only rights that gay people don't have is the right to adopt as a couple - this also applies to straight couples who aren't married. This week, a new report by the Human Rights Commission has recommended that anyone should be able to alter their sex on their passport, no matter what the state of their genitalia is (the law currently requires that you've had "the op"). All the mainstream reporting on it that I've seen so far has been sympathetic. Personally, I think gender should go the way of all the other "identifying marks" that used to be on passports, and just disappear.

So, that's the political background, which informs the social background. I find that kiwis are more accepting of unostentatious difference compared to almost any other country I've visited (except perhaps the UK). And sometimes a bit of ostentation is fine too. For years, the queer pride parade was second-only to the Xmas parade for bringing everyone onto the streets to watch the spectacle. Everyone, gay or straight, refers to their "partner", if they're not married, and often even then with the younger generations. The queer communities aren't so ghettoised as they are elsewhere. For example, there is currently no gay bar in the capital city, Wellington. There was one, which closed quite recently. That's because there are a zillion "mixed" venues where you can hang out with whomever you like. Sure, there are still plenty of places that you wouldn't want to do sucky-face on the dancefloor, but no more so than wearing yuppie threads and frequenting yer average beer barn.

My family are very average, and certainly not politically to the left, or particularly "educated", and we're not particularly close, and they haven't given a shit about my sexuality. My mother has had much more difficulty with the poly thing (but she doesn't "disapprove" per se, she's concerned). My partners have attended Xmas dos and the like with my extended family, and again, it's no biggie. Of course, I'm the big bad butch (hah), and most of my partners have been way more socially presentable than I am.

Traditional Maori and Pacific Island culture has always been more open to queer sexuality, although that has been massively undermined by the influence of various churches. But that underlying acceptance still remains, and has influenced the rest of NZ culture (especially in the North Island). I think the only people who actually have any problem with queers in NZ are solely those who are part of an evangelical or fundamentalist religion. These extreme religions are on the rise in terms of congregation, but really only because they're poaching members from more traditional churches. NZ is one of the most secular countries in the world - only about half identify themselves as Christian, compared to 64% of Australians and 79% of Americans. A third of NZers say they have "no religion", compared to 19% of Australians and 15% of Americans. This makes a difference.

So, yeah, the days of kiwis escaping to Oz or the UK from the social strictures that were prevalent until the 80s are well gone. In fact, it's almost the reverse from the POV of a number of queer Aussies I know (although we can all breathe a mighty sigh of relief with the change in govt here, we hope). I certainly had many many doubts about moving here due to the relative differences these days, especially the legal ones (no civil unions, and no Commonwealth anti-discrimination law) but Canberra isn't bad - it's like a medium-sized city back home in that respect. Of course, there is a bit more diversity here (in Melbourne and Sydney, I should probably say) over all, but only as a function of a larger population.

So, sorry for the very very long rambling answer, but I was a bit surprised that that perception of NZ still seems to exist. I've experienced very little difficulty due to my sexuality (yeah, I've been called "dyke" and "faggot"(!) on the street, but not in over 18 years), and I knew people who were gaybashed way back when. But it's certainly way better than most countries around the world, including most of the "West".

The missionary William Yate got the whole thing off to a bang in the historical record by seducing dozens of "native youths" and British officers in the early colonial days. There was a bit of a hiatus for a number of years, but I think the "wave of immorality" in NZ is continuing its resurgence, strong and steady. :-)

That meme

Jan. 19th, 2008 12:13 am
trixtah: (Default)
So, you know, ask me anything. Eep.

Anonymous is enabled, including no IP address tracking.

(Anonymised) Replies in a later post.
trixtah: (Default)
(I can be a geek in certain limited senses)

  • [ profile] epi_lj posted a link to The Nerd Handbook, and I found (slightly to my surprise) I didn't relate to a thing in it. I think to be a true nerd, you have to have a degree of obsession and creativity. I don't really have much of either (although I can summon up mild obsession when it comes to people). I might be a techie in a limited sense, but limited is the operative word - I'm good at my job, and I like fixing things, but I think I'd get similar satisfaction out of being a mechanic. I don't have a big fascination with learning how things work (a slightly different emphasis to fixing, IMO).

  • More importantly, I fail to find xckd comic funny. (Ok, one-in-twenty might make me smile somewhat.) Even when I totally understand everything that it mentions (which I do most of the time). I think I'm missing a gene somewhere, since nearly everyone I know in my line of work and related areas thinks they are hilarious. Oh well. I'll stick to Dilbert. :-)
trixtah: (Tattoo)
Despite people's first impressions on meeting me (so I've heard), I'm actually fairly shy by nature. Once I get to know people, I'm fine, but being put into a new situation and/or with new people is not one of my fortes. However, I'm still functional in the social sense, so it doesn't bother me as much as it did when I was younger (and trying to go out and pick up gurlz in dark smoky clubs - thank god for those women who didn't assume that butch = extrovert).

Related to that is a more pathological tendency to stage fright. I started playing a number of wind instruments in my teens... up until the point that I'd either have to perform in public, or do exams with external assessors. No thank you. Again, it's dealable-with, but the greatest number of people I've had to present to at once is less than a dozen (and that was about work, an area in which I'm not terribly lacking in confidence). I do still tend to avoid situations where I feel put under the spotlight. I have a fairly strong distaste for being observed and possibly judged wanting. The worst thing you can do to me is embarrass me; I actually cope much better with outright abuse.

So, tonight was the first night of tai chi lessons after a brief hiatus. We have a new instructor, which is hunky-dory. Being in the front-left corner is the equivalent of wearing the gimp suit in some of the sequences, and guess where I ended up this evening? I actually aimed for the middle of the room, but everyone hid behind me, the buggers! That was fine, until we got to the part where we had to go through the form and basically get checked out for our progress. No worries, until someone to the front of me (we were turned to the right) got in a knot and put me off. Normally that's ok (actually, normally I don't get put off), but I couldn't pick up the sequence again. Three more times I tried to continue with it, and each time I got flustered and lost it again, until I gave up altogether. Buggery. I slunk to the back of the room and hid for the rest of the lesson.

Now, the sequence was the last few moves that we had learned most recently. It wasn't super-familiar, but I'm fine with it, and I'm actually better than half the class... as long as I'm not screwing it up for myself. It wasn't a question of my feeling especially inadequate in the circumstances, but I've not felt that degree of flusterment in years, actually, especially not over something so trivial. So I've been kicking myself for the hour about why the fuck I got myself in such a knot on that occasion.

It seems to be - and this is why I'm bothering to write about it -  an accumulation of tricky situations that makes me more prone to getting excessively self-conscious about stuff. Today at work was reasonably rotten, to be frank. It wasn't a disaster, but there was an extremely complicated situation which could not be anticipated, and which involved a group of users being without email for a few hours. The fact that they deal with external customers directly added extra fun to the mix. The fun was enhanced when it turned out that the issue made obvious an area in which some of our network settings weren't correctly configured. Then I managed to individually screw up the settings of the group's director... and I didn't catch that error for another couple of hours (a typo - funnily enough, mail can't be delivered if the address is wrong, even by only one letter). Only that last was something I mucked up myself, but all the other stuff had to be implemented or co-ordinated by me anyway. Other than my one screw-up, everything was fixed in reasonably short order (at least I knew how to go about it), the punters are all happy, and I got to go home at the usual time.

Following on from that, I think it was feeling very put on the spot work-wise today (I'm not even going to start about the tricky report I've been avoiding writing all week) that made me much more prone to feeling self-conscious in an area in which I'm not so confident. It doesn't really seem like all that much of a stimulus, but I suppose in the areas in which we are weak, that's where we get pinged. And, well, better to get all in a tangle in tai chi than do it at work.

I'm glad I figured it out, rather than continuing to beat myself up. OMG, perhaps this is maturity coming on me at last!
trixtah: (Default)
When I'm stressed, as I have been for most of this year (mainly due to work-related stuff), I become more egocentric than usual, and it's a quality that annoys me a lot. When I have my head together a bit more, I notice it retrospectively, engage in more self-arse-kicking, and so the cycle continues.

(See? Heh.)

Hanging out with the CDL and the Bear and their cutest of pooches has helped with a lot of that, but I need to evolve some better stress management techniques. I also need to make some other friends in Canberra. Each time I move, it takes me longer to get out there and do it (like when I went to too many schools as a kidlet), but two years is long enough. It's not like I'm planning to move again for the foreseeable (making friends when you're going to leave again is horrible, at least for me). My gym membership kicks in this weekend (not that I'm there), and I do find that physical activity helps. The thing is to try not to finish work, go home and turn into a lump. Also, I could work harder at my tai chi.

While I'm not about "making resolutions", I need to do something, since my stress levels aren't just going to magically reduce of their own accord (certainly not on the job front). And, since I've only been talking about it for months now, time to track down a homeopath. I think I'll try and book something in with this person when I'm next in Sydney. Or this one, since she's associated with the best homeopathy school in Australasia.

The nice thing about taking a proper homeopathic remedy is that the right one suddenly makes things dealable-with. When you're in a state of pathology, it's hard to see a way out of a situation, or take the appropriate action. The right remedy is like someone shining a light through the end of the tunnel, while giving you a swift boot up the arse to propel you towards the opening. You have to get there yourself, but you suddenly remember you have the means to do it.

Right then, it's a start.
trixtah: (Fem-uh-nist)
(Thank you to whomever sponsored the wee v-gift celebrating it - I've still got it proudly in my profile)

I've had three cocktails in quick succession this evening, and I'm not the slightest bit schnackered (I did eat first), but I'm feeling much more human. Maybe mildly tiddly. Yay mood-altering substances. Thank god. My day had reached an extra dimension of vileness late this afternoon, which involved me being somewhat less than my "make nice to management" self with the customer services manager in a moment of stress. Oh well, he hasn't fired me yet (he's three levels up and one to the side). Cocktails made me happier.

I've been ID'd as male three times this week. I was called "sir" at lunch with [personal profile] saluqi on Tuesday, I was referred to collectively as one of the "gentlemen" at a meeting today (they normally pull themselves up when I cough and do the wiggly-eyebrow thing - it didn't work), and this evening some chappie called me "mate" when he wanted to nick some chairs from where I was sitting with my cocktails.

I mean, hello, I don't look that male. There're these large objects sticking out of my chest, if you choose to ignore my way-less-than-manly jaw, and my decidedly female voice. Times like this I realise what a small town Canberra is in some ways, although maybe I'm just being a little more testosterone-filled than usual. Hm.

Bizarre... I thought that since I'm rounder and somewhat dressier these days (when I'm in my work clothes), I'd blend a bit more into the general idea of what women are apparently supposed to look like. Apparently not. *evil leers*

Also, today I found some modern Aussie psychedelic-style rock - a band called Wolf & Cub. I like. I really can't make any sense at all of my musical tastes. What, really, is the difference between that and prog? Anyone?


Dec. 2nd, 2006 12:03 am
trixtah: (Default)
[It's all about meeeeee this week, sorry. I'll manage to do a erudite, witty and intellectually-detached post sometime, I'm sure.]

I was having a chat with [ profile] saluqi today about my least-favourite personality aspect. I don't mind my irritableness, lack of patience, pig-headedness, vagueness, egocentricity (ha-hah!), and so on (I'm sure more negativities would come to mind if I pondered a bit more) nearly as much as I do my lack of motivation. I seem to surround myself with fairly go-getting types (and [ profile] saluqi did point out that that personality quality is hardly typical), and in comparison to them, I'm an indolent lump of lard.

I know I have a short attention span for non-fun-related things. I also have the willpower of a starving person in a chocolate shop. However, I'm fine if something needs to be done. Like going to work, paying the bills, and occasionally, doing the housework. I like doing things for someone. I like doing things if I feel that my efforts will be appreciated (like most of us I imagine). But even if it's something I'd like to do - such as, say, brush up my French, or get properly fitter - getting the impetus to get started and then sustain doing whatever it is seems to be annoyingly difficult.

It gets to the point where I feel like bitchslapping myself and uttering trite homilies to myself like "just do it, already!" But do I? Not often. It's a layer of my personality that's always been with me, and it periodically drives me insane. Ok, it's not as if I haven't achieved anything in my life, or that I'm an utterly useless waste of space. Considering some of the crap I started off with, and some of the rumptions of my adult life, I'm doing ok. But I look at someone like my OGF, who had shit for her early life, due to which she ended up leaving home and school at age 14... going to running a multi-million dollar company while having a fantastic family. And I feel bloody inadequate. (Not that I want to do either of those things, but achieving more would be nice)

Of course, she (and plenty of my other similarly go-getting friends) don't grok what the hold-ups are. I know I don't like taking risks - although I have, plenty of times - but taking French lessons is hardly risky. I loathe loathe loathe looking incompetent, but one can't have a learning curve unless one starts to learn. I'm lazy, but I am fine with necessities, or when someone else says "would you mind?" But needing to be prodded into action seems juvenile. Bah.

Well, I want to track down a homeopath and see if taking a remedy might shift it. Embarrassment and annoyance at myself doesn't work. Being lectured/shamed definitely doesn't work. Pop-psychology books (at least, extrapolating from the couple I've read) will not break though my judging brain. Identifying a problem is all very dandy, but I've not evolved a mechanism to fix it. Anyone else have a consistent problem with motivation/impetus? What do you do about it? How does one develop willpower?
trixtah: (Default)
Well, not really, but I've read some fairly vehement assertions lately that L/J should not, under any cirumstances whatsoever, be used for therapy.

I certainly agree with not using it as a substitute for getting proper therapy if you have genuine and long-lasting mental or emotional issues, but what about for those who are generally sane (no laughing in the cheap seats!) and who want a place for community, ventage and feedback? And for the not-so-sane types too, actually - it's a pretty harmless outlet overall, especially if it's used as an adjunct to any real therapy.

I've been feeling horribly homesick/missing my friends these last couple of weeks, and it's partly due to the political climate at the moment. I want to be in a country where I don't need to feel seriously peturbed by whatever the government is doing, and where I actually feel enfranchised. On the more local level, Canberra is feeling more small-townish and arid than usual, and the lack of diversity here is bugging me. It could be a lot worse, since I could be living in some horribly racist right-wing environment, and Canberra really is not like that. Just very white-bread, middle-of-the-road, but that is entirely bearable. You know, I'm the right colour, I have the right job, I speak the right language, I earn the right amount of money. Privilege has its uses.

However, I think one thing that has kept me on a fairly even keel here, compared to my time in London, is that by keeping this journal I'm connected in the virtual sense to a nicely diverse, fellow-thinking and interesting bunch of people. I don't like writing long ranty emails to my friends back home (since most of them are there), because I end up just going WAH! about how much I miss them and the place. Here, I can rant away, I can be as OT as I feel like, no one person has to take up the responsibility of responding, and in fact, no-one at all needs to respond to any individual post, because it's not a synchronous communication form. Of course, if no-one at all seemed interested ever, then perhaps I wouldn't feel quite so supported by this format. :-)

So, you know, yay virtual communities, for keeping my sanity level those few points higher, giving me excellent food for thought, moral support, and for making an appreciable difference to my general feeling of contentment with the world. And yay for those of you who I've gotten to know (better) online and also hang out with in RL, because that really is the best of both worlds.
trixtah: (Default)

  1. Considers taking up sketching again.
  2. Realises that one had better get some practice in if one isn't to embarrass oneself too much.
  3. Wishes that one had a decent digital camera, preferably with flash. Or a scanner.

(and yes, my fingers really are that fat. And it took me ages to draw that.)

hand sketch

trixtah: (Tattoo)
This is the sound of a happy guinea pig (apparently). *snortle*

Having food is good to fix one's dip in blood sugar. However, sometimes it's hard to summon up the impetus to eat.

And my next post will be less gnomic. Promise.
trixtah: (Default)
I don't know what's going on this week, but in the last few days I've encountered some points of view I fairly vehemently disagree with, from people I ordinarily respect to the utmost. With some of these opinions, at least I know why the individual concerned has that belief, and that does help. Others, I have no idea where it comes from.

It's tricky. It's interesting what a double-standard I find myself having, since I certainly won't argue things as much as I would ordinarily... but that's the nature of the double-standard beast when you know someone personally.

It's unsettling. Normally I can think of some middle ground, but in some of these instances, I can't. It's having to rejig my opinions of people in relation to touchy areas - while not having that middle ground to fall back on - that is the disconcerting part.

Then there are implications of what that means about me. I'm obviously not as tolerant as I like to think I am. When it's someone who I don't care about, they're easily dismissed with "So, they're a fuckwit/wierd/ignorant". When it concerns someone where none of those things are patently the case, and I feel so bothered by it, it makes me wonder about the broader question of just how much I expect people to march in lockstep with my own opinions for me to want to be around them. And the answer to that question, for me, doesn't seem to be a particularly edifying one. Hm.
trixtah: (Default)
Meme ganked from [ profile] ataniell93

(And I have NOTHING to do at work. Seriously. There's only so much documentation one can read, even as a last resort.)

Read more... )
trixtah: (Default)
I have big issues about getting pap smears done, but I don't think that's so unusual. But I loathe loathe loathe going to the dentist even worse.

Part of the problem I have with that problem is that it's irrational. I have precisely two fillings, which I got nearly twenty years ago. My wisdom teeth haven't come through at all (no laughing in the cheap seats!), so I don't have any horror tales about getting them extracted. It's not even as if I have a full-blown phobia, which would make it somewhat excusable.

There are are some things I can identify as being particularly icky for me. One is that I'm stuck in a place I can't move from. I immensely dislike having to "open wide" and have people shove things into my mouth. (ah. eureka.) Also, that scraping they do to get off the gritty stuff erodes my last nerve.

[...See, this is the nice thing about l/j - one can set down all one's most stupid thoughts, and sometimes, sometimes, there is illumination from it. So, there you go, after my entire lifetime, I finally get to the root of what bugs me about dentists. Interesting. But it's ancient history I don't need to blurb about here.]

On the more prosaic front, I got the hygenist telling me I could get braces. Like hell. My front teeth are straight, they all function, why bother? Also, the dentist reckons I must grind my teeth? Odd. I don't think I clench them that much, and I'm fairly sure I don't grind them in my sleep. I'm positive I would have been informed by interested parties by now if I did so. Will have to think on that one.

Still, all clean and shiny now, until the next time I can work up the fortitude to visit.


trixtah: (Default)

January 2016

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