Moments of annoyance

[trixtah]

So, there was a thread on dot_poly_snark over on LJ, where someone got snarked when they went all bawwwwww about their coming out to one friend who didn't immediately do the happy dance about the good news. And justifiably so.

But one person commented by saying in part, "But then generally, I don't get the whole "coming out" process for poly people. Just live your life and the people will either figure it out or they won't."

Obviously I'm just a big old queer with a chip on my shoulder, because this really irked me. And I had to rant in reply:

Mmmnh, so why would anyone bother coming out at all. Ok, I'm very slightly beyond "Queer Nation" myself, but if everyone chooses to remain invisible, society as a whole will certainly choose to continue ignoring you. I look as dykey as dykey can be, but it still irks the fuck out of me when people obviously decide not to "figure it out" and then force me to decide whether they are going to roll out the overt bigotry thing on me if I make it clear what my relationship status is, or just do the awkward why-are-you-making-me-deal-with-shit-outside-my-comfort-zone silence.

I know you're not precisely saying you are remaining invisible, but it's the more open people who ensure that we aren't ignored as a whole. Because being ignored is actually not that many steps away from being marginalised, excluded from the usual set of social rights, and then to outright persecution. No thanks, it's not long ago when I had no right to expect fair treatment in terms of retaining my job or accommodation.

I do however agree that people who get shocked and amazed when they give acquaintances confronting information that is not immediately welcomed with open arms are precious in the extreme. Not to wah on about privilege, but it's fascinating when (mostly) het white middle-class people realise that others will always consider them to be second-class citizens because of their "lifestyle choices".

I dunno, maybe I got a bit into lecture mode, but "letting people figure it out for themselves" is only a useful strategy when you're coming from a fairly secure base to begin with. I still don't overtly out myself at work, except to a selected few people, sometimes. Maybe I'm still paranoid, but fuck, we only got "rights" in NZ the year I officially came out. And given the whole gay marriage debacle, we still aren't fully equal citizens, according to most - I'm still not in favour of marriage as a whole, but this willful discrimination just serves to show we don't have "real" relationships and we're not "equal" in some fundamental ways. It's fucked up.

And I'm still fucking angry with Gillard, to give it some Australian context. Not that I can vote here, so it's all a bit moot.

Comments

[ironed_orchid]

Okay, I think you may have just exposed one of my hidden prejudices, because until now I never really saw coming out as poly as in the same league as coming out as queer.

Of course, for lots of people, coming out as poly might also include coming out as bi, but not necessarily.

I need to think about this more.

[firecat]

I've come out as poly and I've come out as queer. They aren't the same IME, but poly people also risk discrimination and prejudice, so in a "strength in numbers" sense there is a political benefit to poly people if more of us are out.

[trixtah]

Yes, that's my feeling about it.

I do find it easier to come out to straight people as poly than being a dyke, because the consequences aren't so dire (I don't have children who could be taken away from me). But I was reading something just today when some grandchildren discovered their grandparents had been in an open marriage for 60 years, but no-one knew until the grandmother finally passed away and they read her journals. So maybe they were the "swinger" type, and didn't have long-term SOs, but how are you going to get all of your relationships appropriately acknowledged if you are constantly living in stealth mode? (Which is easier to do if you're poly, assuming you live with one or none of your partners)

[cleverthylacine]

I found, when I identified as poly, which I did for a while and then didn't and now I'm just not sure about the whole thing, that people accepted queer better, because you can't help that, but they think you can help being a slut. Of course this is SF.