Unpleasant realisations Part the Second

[trixtah]

Have kind of just realised that I'm not very good at dealing with emotional stuff. I mean, I was ROTTEN at it up until my early 20s, but after having my butt kicked by one of my girlfriends, kind of got myself to the point where I thought I was at least average. Actually no.

In summary:

• Quite often, it takes a long time to realise I'm feeling unsettled about something.
• When I do realise, I often don't know WHY I'm feeling that way
• If I figure out WHY I'm feeling that way, I often have no idea whether my interpretation of the other person's actions or words has any basis in reality, or if I'm projecting crap.
• It's difficult to ask, because then it's like I'm potentially accusing them of something I'm probably completely mistaken about.
• I find it almost impossible to express myself verbally when it's important (and yes, both negatively and positively).
• I'm not at all good at "calm and rational" discussion (I am not a calm person), but I have an absolute abhorrence of screaming fights - this doesn't leave much in the way of mechanisms for resolving things.
• My first (and second and third) reaction, on feeling guilt or shame or embarrassment or stupid, is to hide. And quite often I do feel stupid and embarrassed, with emotional matters.
• I'm useless at devising strategies for fixing emotional issues.

I'm nearly 43 - I wish I could get my shit together.