Dykes who sleep with men
Jun. 16th, 2005 08:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trixtahIt seems like a contradiction in terms. But, I am one, and I'm posting up here to save having to write this out again and again, since a lot of people seem to be engaging in the (frankly, incredibly retro) activity of asking me to explain myself. Some have put the inquiry in not-so-polite terms, but, well, you know what I think of you anyway.
I sometimes have slept with men because:
I am definitely a dyke because:
So, that sums me up, sexual-identity-wise. None of this is by way of a justification, because I really don't know why it still seems to matter. I'm not even going to enter into the whole argument of our identities being defined purely by who we have sex with. "Queer" is probably the best label for me. But I have had people ask me recently (and politely) why I personally don't identify as bisexual. So, the above is why. Also, by saying all that, I am not in the slightest bit trying to demean anyone who is bi- or pansexual. I just feel that I have a certain lack of flexibility in that regard, and I admire people who do have it and are able to express it well in their lives. I most certainly do not have any moral or "more pure twue queer" high ground.
This should hopefully also explain why I've felt calling myself bi would be fairly dishonest, especially for those men who might otherwise be interested. Fundamentally, I think it would be unfair to give myself a label that would give some people (men) the wrong impression of my potential availability.
ETA: Comments are off. I'm tired of rehashing the same arguments that should have died out 30 years ago. Read some Adrienne Rich (since her argument that each woman should encounter some kind of lesbianism in her life to fully understand her own sexuality and emotional life could be flipped the other way, although not actually, because there is still a lot of compulsory hetness out there). Write your own blog post about "fake lesbians" if you feel so strongly - at least I won't have to read it.
By the way, if you're a guy who has had an intimate encounter with a professed dyke, try not to read too much into it until she says there is something to be read into it. Dykes can be "bi-curious" as well - a drunken snog is not a statement of intent. A one-off fuck is not a statement of intent. Sorry, it sucks if you care about them, but in the same way it can be for us queer women who get experimented-on by straight women, it's a landmine. Sometimes you can work something out; often you don't. And look, if weird intimate stuff keeps going on, and she's not being honest or refuses to discuss the situation, get yourself out of it (this applies no matter what your gender is). It's not cool being the "experiment" if you're not into being a lab rat.
I sometimes have slept with men because:
- I would rather sleep with a man (sometimes) than do myself or use sex toys (as some have suggested would be the better alternative) because it is very hard to kiss oneself or have one's toys kiss you. Or do any of that sensual body-contact stuff. Unless you have a more vivid imagination than I do.
- Not all women are attractive, and a very few men are (to me). Logically, there may be times where there are some men who are available who I fancy more than any women who are available (
Robert Downey Jr, you can have my email address on requesteh, not any more).
I am definitely a dyke because:
- My cultural, political and social identity is very much lesbian. "Queer" works as well, but I'm not of the "I'll shag anything" school (not that there's anything at all wrong with that; I'm just not that flexible), and my history, emotional life and commitment is orientated towards women.
- Men don't turn me on physically very often (and by that, I mean when we are actually getting down to business). If they push the right buttons, it will work eventually (if I like them enough), but I have never looked at a man and gone weak at the knees. The most intense reactions I've had towards men are along the lines of: "He's a nice guy. We've been having a good time. Why not?" But you might as well call me "vibrator-sexual" as well, if that basic physical-outlet stuff is a determinant of my sexuality.
- I have never had - and am pretty sure I never will have (although perhaps I should bite my tongue, in case) - romantic feelings of any description for a man. Affection and friendship, yes. If I should ever fall in love with one, then I'll call myself bisexual.
- I have slept with 3 men in 16 years. There was a gap of none at all for 13 years, and since that interlude, it's been another 13 years. Women come out and call themselves dykes within weeks of previous relationships with guys. Or even simultaneously, in the case of married lesbians. When do the "boy germs" evaporate and do you become a "real" dyke?
- In response to the previous point, I know some of you would say "Never!" But how many lesbos do you seriously believe have never slept with a man? I personally know two out of literally scores of dykes that I know. Does that mean they are the only real lesbians? If so, I hope the two of you have a nice life together.
- Women move me in so many ways that men don't. There's no logical reason, since women are fucked up in as many ways as men are, but I can generally deal with a woman's brand of fucked-up-ness better (perhaps in the same way I can tolerate people who talk lots but I'm not able to endure someone who eats with their mouth open constantly).
- I am so much better at having sex with women than I am with men (despite all the tossers who assure me that you don't need much technique to do men. Yeah right.)
So, that sums me up, sexual-identity-wise. None of this is by way of a justification, because I really don't know why it still seems to matter. I'm not even going to enter into the whole argument of our identities being defined purely by who we have sex with. "Queer" is probably the best label for me. But I have had people ask me recently (and politely) why I personally don't identify as bisexual. So, the above is why. Also, by saying all that, I am not in the slightest bit trying to demean anyone who is bi- or pansexual. I just feel that I have a certain lack of flexibility in that regard, and I admire people who do have it and are able to express it well in their lives. I most certainly do not have any moral or "more pure twue queer" high ground.
This should hopefully also explain why I've felt calling myself bi would be fairly dishonest, especially for those men who might otherwise be interested. Fundamentally, I think it would be unfair to give myself a label that would give some people (men) the wrong impression of my potential availability.
ETA: Comments are off. I'm tired of rehashing the same arguments that should have died out 30 years ago. Read some Adrienne Rich (since her argument that each woman should encounter some kind of lesbianism in her life to fully understand her own sexuality and emotional life could be flipped the other way, although not actually, because there is still a lot of compulsory hetness out there). Write your own blog post about "fake lesbians" if you feel so strongly - at least I won't have to read it.
By the way, if you're a guy who has had an intimate encounter with a professed dyke, try not to read too much into it until she says there is something to be read into it. Dykes can be "bi-curious" as well - a drunken snog is not a statement of intent. A one-off fuck is not a statement of intent. Sorry, it sucks if you care about them, but in the same way it can be for us queer women who get experimented-on by straight women, it's a landmine. Sometimes you can work something out; often you don't. And look, if weird intimate stuff keeps going on, and she's not being honest or refuses to discuss the situation, get yourself out of it (this applies no matter what your gender is). It's not cool being the "experiment" if you're not into being a lab rat.