Dear intarwebs

[trixtah]

Can we pleeeease stop with the knee-jerk posts/comments from bigoted lesbians who seem to feel the need to define people's sexual identities for them? FFS. I thought that died off in the 80s except for the real old skool types - it unfortunately seems to be undergoing a lovely resurgence

I suppose I'm a tad oversensitised from last week, when I was informed, by several, that I'm "really" bi. Let's see, I've had 24 shags with men in total (not men, shags). No relationships with any of them. I've had about a dozen significant relationships with women, and, hm, 20 years x an average of one shag a week = 1040 girlie shags (wild guesstimate - I tend to have peaks and troughs). Ok, so to date, I'm 2.2% bi. How many of these twoo lesbians are that "bi" as well, do you reckon? Especially the ones who had tarnished themselves with evul mangerms before they Saw The Light and who have only been out for five minutes (comparatively).

Anyways, that's all bullshit. More serious point, I'm surely not the only one who thinks that by IDing as bi (or any sexual identity), you're actually advertising what you're open to (as well as your general history). Aren't you?

Comments

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

DEER WURLD
When you have a)known me for at least a year, b)read and UNDERSTOOD the whole Judith Butler ouevre, c)lived and functioned within a reasonably large community of straights, gays and the continuum thereof and, d) are a polite person with respect for others' identity, then you may offer your opinion as to whether or not my self-identification seems correct to you or not.

In any event, I reserve the right to not give a flying fuck about your dumbarse opinion.

[maniac-angel.livejournal.com]

Yes! Totally agree with you! lables just confuse me. I read your comment in one of the last suckitupdyke posts and the girl who replied with... 'I'm lesbian doesn't mean I'm making myself available to all lesibians' (or something to line) obviously didn't think that through before she posted it.

Had a wonderful debate with my girlfriend but I think we made ourselves cross eyed and were acctually 'arguing' for the same side. Neither of us are grand debaters.

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

hmmm... (counts) ... Yeah, totally 4 beautiful women, probably about 15 shags all up, as versus ...er... some large number of guys overall. But I think your identity is who you want to be. I'm happy being bi. If you feel happy being you, then you are whatever you want to be.

I just think I didn't accept soon enough that I was attracted to women. But then for years I thought it made me a lesbian, and to paraphrase a certain comic, I like dick too much for that.

[saluqi.livejournal.com]

In the past I have tended not to use sexual identity words about myself because people often associate it with advertising or being open to particular stuff that on closer examination really doesn't stand.

If I say I am bi, it doesn't really tell you what I'm open to. A man might reasonably infer that I'm into shagging men, but most would be unlikely to consider that perhaps the only shagging on the table might be BOB. Likewise if I say I am a lesbian, although lesbian at least gives an idea what is not going to be on the table (maybe).

Anyone who is busy drawing arbitrary lines on the internet is not worth your time. I understand that if they catch you at the wrong moment they can annoy the bejeezus out of you, but women making those statements want a fight in my experience. I don't like to reinforce their drama llama first-year feminist behaviour by giving them one.

Worst thing about the sex wars was the way it sucked up vast amounts of energy that could have been spent on fighting the real fuckers. I could never quite shake the feeling that right wing pale males must find this "lesbian/bi cat fight!" stuff intensely entertaining.

One thing will do is claim what I'd call my "heritage". I was booted from home for being in a relationship with a woman, and I spent a lot of time in collectives, working phone lines, doing poster runs, organising workshops and participating in demos. If some idiot thinks my long hair, skirts and being in a relationship with an mtf magically takes away that lesbian feminist heritage the mistake is definitely theirs. Likewise for any of my peers who did all that and now find themselves with men. Ultimately what should matter is your track record in life, not your track record in bed.

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

But, but, COOTIES!

[pretentiousgit.livejournal.com]

Butbutbut I really love percentages. Statistics are fun!
And, in this instance, hysterically funny. I wish I'd kept track so I could tell what my percentage is.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Basically I think the only person who can accurately state one's sexual orientation is oneself - nobody else knows.

[goatsfoot.livejournal.com]

*exaggerated sigh*

everyone's snarked it well already, i think!

[baglieg.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I've argued with thisaboveall before on a similar topic. I was all like, you know, label boundaries are problematic and freedom to identify how we like is nice, she denied the existence of biphobia. Then she assumed that I was a straight girl "pretending" to be a lesbian (I... um... maybe? Whether she's accidentally right or not, it's funny 'cause most people assume I'm a gay man), and it kinda went downhill from there.

Just ignore her, she's a dick.

[tygerr.livejournal.com]

I suspect a fair number of those folk who feel the need to define people's orientations/identities for them subscribe to the "one boy" theory of sexual orientation (also known as the "cooties" theory).

This school of thought goes as follows:

If you're bio-female and it comes out that you have ever slept with even one man, you get drummed out of the Dyke Club and your membership card and secret decoder ring are confiscated.

But if you're bio-male and if at any time in your life you ever kiss a guy, you're queer forever.

And no, it has not escaped my attention that many of the people who appear to cleave to this theory have themselves engaged in the occasional bout of boykissing. But then, I'm also on record as recognizing the truly breathtaking levels of hypocrisy that humans commonly engage in when dealing with matters sexual.

And yes, regardless of what one's occasional (or even general) behavior might be behind closed doors, one's *public* presentation of identity DOES serve as an advertisement as to what one is open to. Certainly *I* use it that way, and am not averse to changing how I identify depending on what/how I'm trying to advertise. (It's apparently quite amusing to watch all the little--and not-so-little--shifts in my appearance and behavior when I'm flirting "straight" and then a cute gayboy catches my eye *g*.)

[ironed_orchid]

I would think you are clearly not bi. But I tend to define things slightly more according to attraction and relationships than whether or not someone ever had sex with X, Y, or even Z.

Oddly, and this is where it gets All About Me, I've spent the last year or two coming out as bi again. Precisely because I am open to relationships/sex with either women or men, and want to advertise this. I stopped IDing as bi about a decade ago when my then rship became exclusive. Not so much because I didn't want to advertise, but because I felt like a wanker if I proclaimed myself to be bi and queer and etc. when enjoying all the social/legal privileges of a heteronormative relationship. I'm now sort of convinced that it's worth IDing as bi even if I never have sex with women again (not that I want to jinx anything), because of the people who go around claiming that no one is really bi, we are either gay or straight, and bi is just indecision.

[shangchi.livejournal.com]

It's a pity that you have to "ID" as anything other than you.

I always thought Tolkien's idea of Ent names to be very interesting. Their names are as long as their lives and are always growing.

[thette.livejournal.com]

My life got ever so much better when I started IDing as butch, but with butch comes dyke. It's all one word in Swedish. And really, my girlfriend can call me a butch dyke all she wants, I'm still [hetero] married with a kid. (And, well, what Reynardo said about cock.)

I'm adding you, by the way. Why haven't I done it until now? We have a whole lot in common, apparently, as long as we don't start talking medicine.