trixtah | Canberran cuisine (Reply)

[Disclaimer: some of the top-end dining in Canberra is fantastic; I've had two of the best meals in my life here. But still, ranting is fun, and I do expect better of mid-range eating in a moderately-sized city.]

I've noticed some simple rules about eating in Canberra (in decent cafe and low to mid-range restaurants), which are as follows:

If it has chicken in it, it must come with a chilli-mayo dressing (blech).
Or, it must come with an aioli that contains no discernible garlic.
If you don't like your chilli-mayo/aioli dressing and want to substitute the relish that comes with the steak sandwich, this may be done perhaps 30% of the time.
The only acceptable sides with chips in a "nice" cafe are sweet chilli sauce and/or sour cream (can't have too much of a good thing - cf. chicken dressing above)
Chips must be beer-battered to be sufficiently el-primo (one of my pet hates - why ruin chips by shoving them in batter - double or triple-fry them!). Otherwise, they're limp.
If a colleague tells you a restaurant is "great" and has "beeuuudiful" food, it's because they sell steaks by the metre. For about $5 per.
Leagues, Labor or bowling clubs are the best places to eat, since they sell the steaks-by-the-metre, and the piss is cheap. Also, those stupid fucking $5 memberships (I'm afraid I don't know what it buys that you can't find in a pub - ie. ugly "decor", pokie machines, big screen sports on volume LOUD, and pool tables), and signing in your "guests" makes you feel like a grown-up.
An ethnic restaurant that intends to cater to "skippies" may only have <50% of its dishes genuinely ethnic (there are a few notable exceptions in Dickson, which is as close as this place gets to a Chinatown).
Risotto contains cream.
The coffee is shit (98% of the time, at least). Avoid completely if you see Caffe Primo, Lavazza, Vittoria, or Sambaroma (complete with a logo featuring a fucking sambo). Cosmorex is bitter and dirt-tasting, but is at least fresh and drinkable in a milky drink (if adequately made). Coffee Guru is similar, but has less flavour. Starbucks, feh. Gloria Jeans, feh, with the added twist of bankrolling fundie Christians. Veneziano is decent, are the Kingston Grind coffees and the Wagonga coffee you can get at the Bus Depot on Sundays and Farmers' Market at Epic on Saturdays.
Anything that is "spicy" may have had 1/8 tsp of chilli waved over it at some point.
You are not trusted to wield your own pepper grinder.
Fried rice comes with ham, that traditional Chinese ingredient (I think that's an Aussie thing in general).
Squid/calamari must be deep-fried, preferably in batter. Even if it's in a "salad".
Salad comes with lettuce stalks. The brown cut marks are your assurance it's the real thing.
"Turkish" bread is a compulsory component of the menu. Other breads (eg. wholemeal) might be available if the usual meal costs around $18-20.
Bagels are stale crusty rolls with a dimple in the top.
Fresh fish? Don't make us laugh!
Mussels (cooked) are one inch long, maximum.
In fact, the more you fry everything, the better.
Good service is if you are served within 10 minutes of your being seated, or <5 waitstaff with seemingly nothing better to do pass by. Really good service is when they embarrass you by putting your napkin on your lap.