More manners, plz

[trixtah]

While it may be a surprise to some, I think manners are one of the most important glues that hold society together... or at least enable us to have contact with each other without wanting to kill each other. I think one of the hardest things that society is negotiating at present is moving towards allowing more individual freedom (despite the efforts of various governments to try and undo that), while still retaining (or evolving new) structures and mores that allow us to retain some degree of social glue and capability for collective action. I certainly think we haven't achieved that balance yet, and that we've (in a societal sense) have been guilty of throwing the social cohesion baby out with the individualist bathwater. And as someone who subscribes to anarchist principles, it's interesting to reflect on just what structures we should retain, whether or not we generally buy into one-size-fits-all rules.

saluqi started some of this train of thought off by lending me It's Not Etiquette : A Guide to Modern Manners by David Meagher, an Australian journalist who writes a "Mr Manners" column. The title, and the rest of the book, make the great point that manners does not necessarily denote an arbitrary set of rules, and are rather a set of courtesies that enable you to not drive the majority of people insane. He has quite a number of prescriptions for getting by in modern Western societies, although I could have probably done with a bit less of his sartorial advice (not being a bloke or a normal woman). Still, his guidelines on handling introductions, going to parties, cellphone courtesy and so on are practical and great for the kinds of things encountered today. I particularly like the underlying principle that in a day-to-day setting, courtesy is not about arbitrary rules of etiquette.

This week, I bought a book by another Australian journalist, Lucinda Holdforth (heh), called Why Manners Matter: The Case for Civilised Behaviour in a Barbarous World. Now, this is fab, because she's not so much about prescription (although she does list a "10 commandments" of courtesy), but she explains why manners should be crucial to us. To give you a flavour, I'll list the chapter and subchapter headings:

1   Because man [ack! - that nearly put me off] is an animal
    .... a social one
    .... with a habitat to protect
2    Because manners are more important than laws [yes, yes, YES! - what are laws but a way to define and enforce courtesy?]
    .... less invasive than morals [oh, yes]
    .... and better than social confusion
3   Because manners nurture our equality
    .... modify self-esteem
    .... and connect the self to society
4   Because sovereignty demands self-sovereignty [I agree with this, in the main, but she goes off a bit of a tangent about rules which annoyed me slightly]
    .... order is necessary to freedom [um, yes, kind of]
    .... and manners reconcile liberty to stability [again, with caveats, and she does discuss how social change sometimes comes about through lack of stability and people "acting out"]
5   Because who else can we call on?
    .... rudeness won't make us authentic [too bloody true]
    .... manners aren't just the tool of right-wing bigots [and that myth that they are infuriates me]
    .... and they advance social progress
6   Because McDonald's doesn't own manners [and bought desperate over-politeness from salespeople isn't exactly manners - and we notice and don't respond as we do to the genuine thing]
    .... corporations don't own our souls
    .... and manners are no barrier to greatness
7 Because manners give us dignity [and some of us need all the dignity we can possibly get]
    .... improve communication [too right]
    .... prevent premature intimacy [thank god]
    .... unlock our humanity
    .... and make life beautiful

She pretty much touches on all areas of our lives where social interactions make a difference. While there are a few paths she goes down that I won't follow, the most of it is fantastic, beautifully argued, and nicely salted with contemporary anecdotes. There's some excellent political philosophy (if that's not too exalted a term) brought into play as well.

There's quite a lengthy discussion on Alexis de Tocqueville's observation about the newly-independent Americans: In democracies where the differences between citizens are never very great..., numerous artificial and arbitrary distinctions are invented to help individuals in their attempt to remain aloof for fear of being swept along with the crowd...

In other words, in a democratic society, social competition is increased, with a resulting breakdown in the kind of social mores that were previously enforced by the aristocracy's foot firmly on the necks of the serfs. We have more power, and that includes the power to fuck each other over. Of course, we can choose not to do so.

Later on, and unrelated, there is a discussion about the role of manners in social interactions:

Manners offer the protection of social constraints. Often they take time, too much time. But they also confer time. Time to get to know someone, time to think about how we feel, time to consider our reactions and respond wisely and well. (I could do with plenty of this last).
...
People think manners aren't sexy. Transgression is sexy; busting taboos is sexy. How can manners be sexy? ...Manners play their delightful part in creating tension, anticipation, curiosity. They respect the essence of each partner's separateness. (Also, for the record, it's about selective taboo-busting - if you busted every taboo, the situation would be pretty fucked. So I don't think the two concepts - appropriate taboo-busting and manners - are orthogonal to each other.)
...
Those magazines and self-help books that tell you to unload your every little passing thought, feeling and criticism on your partner are cruelly misleading. When love means never having to say you're sorry, it's nearly always because you weren't unkind to your partner in the first place. (In-bloody-deed!)

I won't rant (more) about how much I loved the statement that manners are more important than laws (and "morals", as she mentions), but if more people exercised their manners, we would have need for a whole lot less laws. As well as the obvious social costs, ripping off people for their life's savings or polluting the river that other people use is simply not polite.

Anyways, excellent book, thoroughly recommend, 9/10.