Meme-age doing the traps

1. You can ONLY answer 'Yes' or 'No'.

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks—and, believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming. Nothing is exactly as it seems.

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Reason eleventy billion six thousand and ninety-eight not to go shopping

• Even when you know exactly what you want, you can't get it.

All I want is a pair of black lace-up dress shoes. "Oxfords", in other words. No, I do not want police shoes, nurses' shoes, running shoes, walking shoes (although I should be able to walk in them), granny shoes, chunky soles, non-existent soles, high heels, chunky toes, or fucking patent leather. All I want is Plain. Black. Nice. Shoes. Slip-ons might be ok if they look sufficiently formal and have decent soles. And no heels.

There is no such thing at the Canberra Centre. I take it back - there was one pair of too-girlie shoes in patent leather and with no soles to speak of. You know, the thin leather that will wear through in about 6 months, when you're not skating across the floor. In desperation, I went to the men's shoe shop which had some things along the lines I wanted, but the only size 6s they had came with toes that made me look like Crunchie the Clown. Yes, my feet are smallish (they're actually a 5½ in UK sizing), but no, I don't want them looking like I should be accessorising them with my zoot suit.

I want shoes like THESE. Om nom nom nom. Actually, lots of those N.D.C. shoes are very nommy (excuse the slow-loading fucking Flash-based site). You know, I'd actually pay the ridiculous amounts of money for those shoes, but only available in sizes 35 and 36? God knows where they'd sell them in Oz, if they do.

I do not want shoes like these, which, the rip-off versions thereof, were pretty much what was on offer in most of the shops today. (BTW, vacuous fashion blogger lady, while some of those might be cute (on other people), and some of them look like something that women with bound feed might find comfy, they are not "oxfords".)