Unpleasant realisations Part the Second

[trixtah]

Have kind of just realised that I'm not very good at dealing with emotional stuff. I mean, I was ROTTEN at it up until my early 20s, but after having my butt kicked by one of my girlfriends, kind of got myself to the point where I thought I was at least average. Actually no.

In summary:

• Quite often, it takes a long time to realise I'm feeling unsettled about something.
• When I do realise, I often don't know WHY I'm feeling that way
• If I figure out WHY I'm feeling that way, I often have no idea whether my interpretation of the other person's actions or words has any basis in reality, or if I'm projecting crap.
• It's difficult to ask, because then it's like I'm potentially accusing them of something I'm probably completely mistaken about.
• I find it almost impossible to express myself verbally when it's important (and yes, both negatively and positively).
• I'm not at all good at "calm and rational" discussion (I am not a calm person), but I have an absolute abhorrence of screaming fights - this doesn't leave much in the way of mechanisms for resolving things.
• My first (and second and third) reaction, on feeling guilt or shame or embarrassment or stupid, is to hide. And quite often I do feel stupid and embarrassed, with emotional matters.
• I'm useless at devising strategies for fixing emotional issues.

I'm nearly 43 - I wish I could get my shit together.

Comments

[ironed_orchid]

That sounds difficult, but also like you understand the mechanics of problem, even if this is sometimes a bit too late.

When you say it's hard to express yourself verbally, do you mean in face to face or telephone conversation? Or does it include text based communications as well. Because if one is easier, then that can help bit. (I know that when I'm upset text is easier, but real time IM is not any better than real time talking because the problem is I need time to think).

[trixtah]

Text is easier, but then I get into an inertia of OVERTHINKING. Also, I dunno, I feel a bit cowardly doing it that way. But I've certainly resorted to it for important stuff.

Maybe I just need to get over the feeling-cowardly part and get to the text part sooner. Hm.

[ironed_orchid]

Overthinking is evil.

[aquaeri]

I think this is something that's harder to learn than people pretend - particularly if the family/environment you grew up in had no tools at all, and you've had to learn everything after 20. Precisely because some aspects of the emotional stuff tends to be set early/young.

[trixtah]

Oh. Um, yes, my family pretty much defined "unproductive communication style" from both the screaming violence to the frigid silence ends of the spectrum. With nothing much in between. I forget one gets imprinted with these things.

[aquaeri]

Not so much imprinting, although there's a degree of what you've been exposed to being familiar and therefore sort-of comfortable even when it's drastically wrong and you know that (I have the same issue with perfectionism). But more, when you were growing up, you didn't get to see examples of your parents resolving difficult emotional issues in productive ways.

I've been reading about this (why? you ask :-) and children absorb a lot from their parents' behaviour, including the stuff not directed at the children. Eg, if you want your children to read a lot, it turns out to be less important whether you read a lot to your children than whether you read a lot yourself.