Brain gymnastics
Oct. 14th, 2006 12:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trixtahI had a really nice evening with the OGF last night, thank god. It consisted of kid-wrangling, cooking my own dinner (since I have vowed never to eat spag bol with mince, ever again), drinking 1/2 a glass of wine, watching a movie while the baby refused to go to sleep, and then giving the OGF a shoulder rub until she passed out on me. I seem to have this effect on women, heh. Except babies.
But, we talked. And it was nice. She's having four new people move into her house. Her hubbies have gotten involved with another woman, and she and her husband and their two children are officially moving in this weekend. Dear lord - five adults and five children, all in the same (admittedly large) space. I'm just relieved I can visit.
Due to the fact that all of these rumptions had been going on while I hadn't spent any quality time with her in literally months, I was feeling a certain degree of insecurity about the whole thing, but she made a couple of observations that were reassuring. Firstly, it appears that there are limits to Puppy Pile Polyamory, at least for her. She doesn't want to majorly bond with the two new additions, especially the "other woman". Of course, the (well, my) definition of PPP is that you want to snuggle up with all your loved ones. These two additions are not her loved ones. Yay boundaries. Secondly, she said this morning that she doesn't have mental or emotional room at all for another woman. This is the first time in her life that that's been the case, since she's apparently always had at least a couple on the go up until I came along. But it seems that I take up as much mental space as any two other women.
Regarding that last, I'm a little unsure what to think. The reason I'm happy she's not all "boots in" with the new additions is time. She and I don't have enough time as it is, and I was quite wibbly about the idea that someone else was going to make it shrink even further (rampaging orgies would be fine, since, you know, that wouldn't impinge on our quality time; emotional investment would be something else). I said that I don't know how I take up so much "mental space", since we hardly see each other, but I apparently "just do". Actually, I do know what she means in terms of thinking about loved ones constantly - I certainly do nearly all the time - and I think that's pretty much what she was meaning. I didn't want to pursue the topic too much, and sound all neurotically demanding about "What exactly do you mean?", so I think I'll ruminate on it a bit further myself.
Why is this niggling at me a wee bit? It's because I tend to get involved with ambitious, go-getting and busy women. And since I'm not particularly those things myself, I like to take on a nurturing and "cheerleading" (if you like) role where I can. [How butch am I? Hah.] And if I'm taking up someone's mental energy, am I being more a drain than not? Because I cannot bear to feel that that might be the case. I'm actually quite sure I'm not, on a gut-instinct basis. All I need to do is sort out in my head what the implications are, and I'll be groovy.
And this is really the point of the post. While I don't think I tend to intellectualise my (and others') emotions much, I obviously do have to make logical sense of them - as much as possible - before I trust my instincts. I'm surprised as to how much it makes a difference to my inner feeling of security - and it's something I wish I'd realised about myself a lot earlier. I might be fairly trusting on an emotional basis, but my poor brane needs some assistance, evidently.
ETA: And I forgot to mention Mistress Matisse's latest column on poly in The Stranger. Leaving aside the primary/secondary terminology, I think it should just about be required reading. Especially, "When you say, "it's fine," really mean that it's fine." And, "Don't stick your dick in crazy."
I liked her thoughts about queerness in relation to poly as well - mainly because it's exactly what I think.
But, we talked. And it was nice. She's having four new people move into her house. Her hubbies have gotten involved with another woman, and she and her husband and their two children are officially moving in this weekend. Dear lord - five adults and five children, all in the same (admittedly large) space. I'm just relieved I can visit.
Due to the fact that all of these rumptions had been going on while I hadn't spent any quality time with her in literally months, I was feeling a certain degree of insecurity about the whole thing, but she made a couple of observations that were reassuring. Firstly, it appears that there are limits to Puppy Pile Polyamory, at least for her. She doesn't want to majorly bond with the two new additions, especially the "other woman". Of course, the (well, my) definition of PPP is that you want to snuggle up with all your loved ones. These two additions are not her loved ones. Yay boundaries. Secondly, she said this morning that she doesn't have mental or emotional room at all for another woman. This is the first time in her life that that's been the case, since she's apparently always had at least a couple on the go up until I came along. But it seems that I take up as much mental space as any two other women.
Regarding that last, I'm a little unsure what to think. The reason I'm happy she's not all "boots in" with the new additions is time. She and I don't have enough time as it is, and I was quite wibbly about the idea that someone else was going to make it shrink even further (rampaging orgies would be fine, since, you know, that wouldn't impinge on our quality time; emotional investment would be something else). I said that I don't know how I take up so much "mental space", since we hardly see each other, but I apparently "just do". Actually, I do know what she means in terms of thinking about loved ones constantly - I certainly do nearly all the time - and I think that's pretty much what she was meaning. I didn't want to pursue the topic too much, and sound all neurotically demanding about "What exactly do you mean?", so I think I'll ruminate on it a bit further myself.
Why is this niggling at me a wee bit? It's because I tend to get involved with ambitious, go-getting and busy women. And since I'm not particularly those things myself, I like to take on a nurturing and "cheerleading" (if you like) role where I can. [How butch am I? Hah.] And if I'm taking up someone's mental energy, am I being more a drain than not? Because I cannot bear to feel that that might be the case. I'm actually quite sure I'm not, on a gut-instinct basis. All I need to do is sort out in my head what the implications are, and I'll be groovy.
And this is really the point of the post. While I don't think I tend to intellectualise my (and others') emotions much, I obviously do have to make logical sense of them - as much as possible - before I trust my instincts. I'm surprised as to how much it makes a difference to my inner feeling of security - and it's something I wish I'd realised about myself a lot earlier. I might be fairly trusting on an emotional basis, but my poor brane needs some assistance, evidently.
ETA: And I forgot to mention Mistress Matisse's latest column on poly in The Stranger. Leaving aside the primary/secondary terminology, I think it should just about be required reading. Especially, "When you say, "it's fine," really mean that it's fine." And, "Don't stick your dick in crazy."
I liked her thoughts about queerness in relation to poly as well - mainly because it's exactly what I think.
