How to apologise

[trixtah]

commodorified strikes again with the linky goodness, so here is makesmewannadie's post on How to Apologize.

Apologising is something I've gotten better at as I've gotten older, but there is most certainly room for improvement. We'll get there.

One suggestion in the comments I particularly liked was one from wychwood :

There are times when you will have to apologize when you don't mean it, in which case I suggest sticking with the good old, "I'm really sorry," and leaving it at that.

Or reframing it so you can apologise for something you are sorry for *g*. As in "(I'm not sorry for telling you to fuck off and die, but) I shouldn't have said something like that in the office, and I'm sorry for losing my temper on the job, it was entirely inappropriate."

That technique is something I've started to subconsciously evolve in the last year, but how nice to have it spelled out so that I can recognise it, and hopefully be able to pull it off more often.

Also, call me mendacious, the model will possibly help you pull off convincingly sincere apologies even when you don't mean them (although I expect to be using these suggestions for their intended purpose more frequently... but hopefully not too frequently).

Finally, I like the emphasis in the post about making it better. It's all very well apologising, but if one doesn't redeem oneself by the appropriate actions, it's pretty useless.

Comments

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

My personal favourite apology of all time was the stranger who texted me at 2AM. I replied "wrong number, I think!" Response: "Shit, sorry!"
Aw. Or something.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Aww! That really is too cute for words. :-)

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I think I gave up on faking sincere apologies a while back. They're just not me. Either I really am apologising, or I'm thinking "Go die in a fire", and there's very little middle ground.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do know what you mean, but I've discovered recently that there are limits to the "iconoclastic techie routine". I'm trying not to project the "go up in flames" thoughts so much, and I'll see where it gets me.

Middle ground is a tough one for me too, but I'm willing to see if I can summon it up. :-/

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

I like the reframing idea.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think that's a really useful concept. I hope I can build on that one.

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

:::nods:::

A good bit of the time, being able to get along matters.

[faxon.livejournal.com]

I love watching Polliticians apologise. They are so good at the insincere apology. "I really sorry if what I said upset some people" is among my favourites.

Of course you have the John Howard approach - "I'm never wrong so I never need to apologise." Or "No I never said/did that." :)

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's interesting how that post so points up how fucking fake that kind of "apology" is. "I'm sorry if I offended..." is so crass, since, if they are "apologising", someone was offended! Idiots.

As for Howard, see he got voted Australia's most embarrassing person? I'm sure the only reason Ian Thorpe came in second was that all the Howard groupies had to vote for someone else. God help us.

[pretentiousgit.livejournal.com]

Man. I got so much practice in that technique over the last three years. The one where you apologize for the bits you recognize being wrong in, but not the rest.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think that's definitely a technique I want to work on. I don't think even I could work in the sarcastic overtones if I do it correctly.