Negotiating normality

[trixtah]

After my wee bitch session the other day about Radio Man at work, I started thinking about the ways in which we balance our working selves and our outside-of-work selves. Obviously, there are plenty of people who can gaily head off to work and not feel like there is a tension between the two - you fit into the work culture just as much as everyone else does in the organisation. Others don't give a toss about it - they work in a job where it doesn't matter at all how you present yourself (ie. it's shit work); or, they have unassailable self-confidence; or, it's a very tolerant working environment. Others can be in stealth mode - they can "pass" and choose what parts of their non-work selves they want to reveal. Others, like me, can't pass if they tried.

There have been a few occasions where I felt no tension at all about fitting in - my first serious job, which was at a women's printing company, and two universities. The nice thing about universities in general is that they hire people around the world (well, at least in the three countries I've lived in) who would ordinarily find it difficult to get work that suited their skills.

Obviously, everyone needs to compromise to some degree to fit into a working environment. I'm a left-wing mouthy feminist child-free dyke foreigner, but to fit in with my relatively conservative, Australian, small-town orientated (Canberra is a small town), male techie colleagues in a quasi-government enterprise run by not-quite-dead white men, there is a limit to how much of the iconoclastic routine I can pull off without isolating myself. I had a job for seven years where I had backed myself into that corner, at least from a management point of view, and I can tell you it's a very awkward place to be in. Also, one of the effects of having gone to way too many schools as a kid is my sensitivity to that feeling of being out on a limb by myself, with no allies. I can't work like that.

Essentially my career has comprised of a pretty finely-judged balancing routine. I often go at things like a bull in a china shop... where there is no risk to me. Being out of work, or being put into a miserable situation workwise is not a risk I am willing to accept. Yes, everyone at work knows that I'm a left-wing mouthy feminist of questionable sexuality. However, I am not isolated by my peers because I choose which battles to fight. I have men trying to piss in my professional corner on what seems to be a monthly  basis, one way or another, and I very very very strongly defend my professional realm.

Do I run around saying "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it?" No. Do I say to certain individuals' faces, "Look, I realise you're a middle-aged honky engineering-orientated married-with-kids male, but could you get rid of some of your more stupid assumptions"? No. Do I tell them off when they start with the racist jokes in front of me? Yes. Do I tell them not to forward me any of those stupid "battle of the sexes" emails, even if, according to at least one colleague, I should like them because they're "putting down men"? Of course I tell them not to. Do I tell them to keep their filthy mitts out of my servers because I am the Technical Authority for the mail system, in just the same way that one guy is the TA for the comms network, and I require the same amount of control over what happens on my systems? Of course I do, because that is language they understand.

I wouldn't be where I am without being assertive, and assertive about being perceived as good at my job. But I very carefully choose the areas I'm assertive in. All I want from my colleagues is professional respect, and their personal backing in the work we carry out together. Getting that personal backing can be a tricky thing to achieve, given the fact the only things I have in common with them are shared language (thank god) and profession. I have no interest in talking with them about cars, kids, crappy music, "the wife", or sports. I do not trust my colleagues to validate all aspects of myself, and by throwing too much of my non-conformity into their faces, I risk professional isolation and disrespect. And once that happens, you might as well quit, because you ain't going nowhere careerwise.

If I want to feel personally validated and have a bitch session about the cluelessness of certain individuals from the perspective of having my own personal reference points understood (you know, the queer, butch, feminist thing), I rely on my loved ones and friends to there for me. And thank god for L/J for providing some of those functions of cultural community which I'd find difficult to track down here otherwise (although I'm starting to).

It's also interesting how many differences one can cope with at once. I found London pretty difficult to take, because I had horrendous culture shock, and no support network. The fact that London has an extremely diverse population was a help. Things also improved once I had a girlfriend or two and started working in one of the aforementioned tolerant environments - I suspect they would have been even more bearable if I'd had this as an outlet as well. Canberra has the advantage of being more similar to my own culture, to a degree, and it certainly isn't really really conservative either, just small-town-like... but I don't feel anywhere near as secure here as I do at home. Again, though, there is the balancing act between expressing more parts of myself and avoiding risk.

I'd be interested to hear what other people find of risk to themselves professionally or in living with whatever dominant community they find themselves in, and how they mitigate or deal with those risks. Also, what do you reveal so that your core values aren't totally run over in the working environment. I don't put up with racist, sexist or homophobic remarks, but it's easy enough coming from someone as "identifiable" as I am... although I'm still amazed at how much I'm expected to nod along at quasi-racist remarks in what is ostensibly a middle-class environment. People who are more stealth in their presentation must choose how much mental whiplash to give to someone who assumes they share a certain conventional value set - much can be done without being self-revealing, but does it plant "seeds of suspicion"? Avoiding such situations is generally best, but some people just need to be hit over the head with the inappropriateness of their statements - people might bitch about "PC", but at least these days you can use that as a clobbering stick without having to necessarily compromise yourself with some wanker who would attempt to use any personal information.

Comments

[grey-evil-twin.livejournal.com]

Work is work. Home is home. Hang out with more lesbians outside of work. It's winter, people have been hibernating, there's more time to think about stuff.

You don't have to like or approve of your co-workers lives. You should expect the same ambivalence and lack of interest of them to you. There is no perfect workplace. It's always a compromise.

My prescription to you, have more sex. Go have lots more sex, and suck down some good hearty hot and sexy vibes and energy. Sex in winter is like a large bowl of good miso.

More sex, less thinking.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Hm, maybe if I shagged a lot more people, I'd feel like I had more allies. And, if I shagged a lot more people in the office, I'd feel really secure there. Shame about the 90% bloke thing, though.

[grey-evil-twin.livejournal.com]

It helps if you have just one other person on your side at work. They don't have to be in your area. They don't have to be at your level. They may not be someone you would normally socialise with, or hang around with, or have much in common with. But what they do do, is provide local knowledge of your environment, be someone to share more history and background with of the office, and be sympathetic.

Just because people are blokes, it does not make them aliens. In my workplace, to my knowledge I am the only pervy bisexual poly white atheist with a foot fetish. However, my best office mate is a straight, monogomous Sri Lankan Hillsong christian, who likes driving fast cars and wants a 4WD Toyota Monstrosity. We could not have less things in common if we tried. And yet, we get along.

The sex I refered to early was purely recreational between your exisiting attachments. Because it's a good way of feeling better when you're grumpy.

[stormkpr.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't be where I am without being assertive, and assertive about being perceived as good at my job. But I very carefully choose the areas I'm assertive in. All I want from my colleagues is professional respect, and their personal backing in the work we carry out together. Getting that personal backing can be a tricky thing to achieve, given the fact the only things I have in common with them are shared language (thank god) and profession. I have no interest in talking with them about cars, kids, crappy music, "the wife", or sports. I do not trust my colleagues to validate all aspects of myself, and by throwing too much of my non-conformity into their faces, I risk professional isolation and disrespect. And once that happens, you might as well quit, because you ain't going nowhere careerwise.

I also 'pick my battles' and choose where to be assertive at work. There are several times I have to hold my tongue. Like you said, if you're too much of a non-conformist, you get isolated. So I totally agree with your strategy. And you said it all, about how we don't need our colleagues to validate all aspects of ourselves.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

No, I think it's like Mrs Patrick Campbell, in that we don't want to scare the horses. Ensuring we're not run over by them as well is probably the main aim. :-)

[mehitabelmmoss.livejournal.com]

Hi-
I just added you. Have seen your comments on some lesbian communities but actually I was looking for interesting abyssinian people. I loved this post - it was always a quandry how out to be, and how much to comment on racist sexist or war-mongering office talk. I was out, and commented, but it also won me some enemies.
Currently I have my own business and am part of a network of other recruiters who are all over the political spectrum. I always get in trouble on our online forum - and that is because I react to the nutjob comments. My colleagues are either lefty or lesbian or my ex-boss who is 'progressing' so political discussions are easier with her now. But as my own boss and in a business where I can fire lousy clients, it's much better than when I was a middle manager in an all-male company culture.
I just started playing w/ Google Docs/Apps w/ my colleagues (we all work in home offices). Keeps our projects and stats clear but it gets confusing since it means I now have like 4 Google accounts......

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Thanks for dropping by and letting me know. :-)

Alas, alas, I don't have an aby cat yet, but I'd like to. I'm currently researching how well they cope with being walked on a lead, because I'd like to have a cat where I live, but it's a small apartment. I would really like to have a proper house with backyard, but at the rate I'm going...

That's cool you're surrounded by like-minded people professionally. It certainly makes a difference to one's working day.

[mehitabelmmoss.livejournal.com]

Abys are pretty good (for cats) on a lead but you have to start them young and let them lead you at first. I gave up on keeping them indoors because I have kids who run in and out so the cats are outside sometimes in day. So they're used to being out and free. One of them will walk the neighborhood with me but not on a lead, the other one will go a block or two and then wait for me. It's the luck 'o the cat.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Like many things, really, luck, but yes, I thought starting young would be the way to go. It's a big thing for me to contemplate, since I've always had inside/outside cats who were free to roam (as long as they wore their bells, the buggers).

However, while I'm feeling the lack of an animal quite acutely, it's not quite enough for me to want to move more than half-an-hour's commuting distance to work (and where there might be more spacious accommodation available). Less than 1% rental vacancy rate in this town does make things tricky.

[mehitabelmmoss.livejournal.com]

You can try to make them indoor cats- although walking them regularly would sure help. Abys get bored easily and will create their own entertainment.

[countrycousin.livejournal.com]

Good post.

Not to try to change your perceptions - I think they're valid, in general - but I'm a straight honky techie grandfather, and I'm here by choice (and your permission).

Maybe it's Bujold. You could leave a couple of books lying around, see who bites and then see if the personal/professional barriers can be eased. ;<)

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, I really didn't want to sound like I was painting all men of a certain occupation and age with the same brush. I really think it's a synergistic effect with Aussie guys in a fairly conservative industry, because I haven't felt that dynamic quite so strongly anywhere else.

One thing the guys and I can chat about at work is reading. Alas, Bujold is a bit "wussy" for them (no accounting for tastes), but I have made some Firefly converts. I think I'd have more problems if I weren't into SF and didn't have that shared language with my closest colleagues.

[saluqi.livejournal.com]

I think it changes - as you become more established you get more room to move. Also, if you're not interested in promotion, you get more room to move.

I'm in a different position to you, as I present as conventionally feminine. While it's true I can end up pinging the boys, they have practiced how to deal with that more with their wives and girlfriends and my sense is that as a woman in management I can get away with more, but I get treated like an annoying big sister.

They know I'm queer, and some know I'm poly, but I'm of the "no announcements, no closets" school. If asked I'll not try to hide anything, but I won't go out of my way to leave ammunition around. I am still interested in promotion.

Also, Australian culture can be quite brutal behind the bikinis and beach smiles. I treat it warily myself, and I'm a native.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yes, and yes, re having more flexibility as you settle into an area - you've (hopefully!) built up decent relationships over time - and also if you're not ambitious and subject to more professional scrutiny.

Yeah, I've wondered why I tend to be of the "no announcements nor closets" type myself - while I think it's fairly obvious to anyone who has eyes, I feel like I leave less ammunition around with the DADT policy. Perhaps it was due to that job I got fired from - I was fairly out there. I didn't have a particular "attitude" but the manager at the time was not a founding member of Hets Unafraid of Gays, shall we say.

I think someone in a position that has a potential for promotion, especially with the macro political implications, certainly needs to be cautious. Damn, I meant to borrow that SMH article.

As for Aussie culture in general, despite the many superficial and not-so-superficial resemblances to the kiwi kind, yep, there are plenty of gotchas for the unwary. Of course, there are plenty of kiwis who take to the extreme end of the cut-and-thrust aspect like ducks to water... it's good they can entertain themselves on the Gold Coast.

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

For me, it just wasn't something that came up much; I would've been quite willing to mention the poly stuff if it became relevant (my work was fairly tolerant), but what with my girlfriend living in another city it wasn't likely to become a topic I had to raise, and nobody else did.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

It's interesting, actually, I'm not at all adverse to discussing the poly thing with my colleagues if relationship statuses come up. I mean, the only reason I came over here was due to a relationship. I wonder why that's a point of "difference" I'm not so concerned about? It helps I don't have kids to worry about.

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

Now I think of it, I did actually mention it to a couple of workmates during a late-night rambling conversation at a convention in Idaho, but at that stage we were only open-in-theory. Also, that was on September 9th or 10th, 2001, so I don't think it left a lasting impression on them.

I did vaguely expect that sooner or later one of my workmates would ask why I visit Melbourne so often - I would've told them - but it never quite happened.

[goatsfoot.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think you are taking the wise route, maintaining that balancing act. It's just a pain that it requires a constant tension, or energy, and watching of oneself and others, that most others in the office presumably don't have to follow. It's unfair but it's what's required.

I think if and presumably when I work in an office environment again doing programming, I'm going to have to do that balancing act (like I did so awkwardly before), and take heart from your experiences. Last time I had no one else I knew in a similar position, and I was terrified my brain was going to be sucked out and replaced by that of an obedient yuppie (stupid in retrospective).

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I used to rail about the unfairness of it all, but if I'm not being actively oppressed, it's bearable.

I think Melbourne being a way more cosmopolitan town than Canberra would help you, but the nature of the industry is again not that helpful. But yeah, if I can manage it, you most certainly can.

Hee, that fear of having your brain being sucked out and replaced is one I would have related to at one point - we're all just wee cogs in various machines, after all. One thing that stops me from worrying about getting like that is being able to perceive the social mores from the outside, as it were. And if you can perceive them, you can either engage in them sufficiently to get where you need to be, or avoid them altogether - I tend to do the latter strategy.

Also, while people can get really wanktastic about "subverting paradigms", well, there is some satisfaction in that too. I'm not playing the game by all the normal rules, but I'm still getting myself to a decent place. You know that saying by Audre Lorde? "The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house"? While I understand what she's getting at, I don't entirely agree with it. There's a difference between "getting what you need out of the system" and "propping up the entire infrastructure".

Related to that, there's one of my colleagues who "hates" the government, and rails about the Christian Conspiracy, and all that... and yet keeps applying for jobs at Defence! Honestly. I think knowing your personal limits is what keeps your brain being sucked out. I wouldn't work for Defence, the police, and various other govt bodies - pretty much anything that would require a security clearance. Where I do work is govt related, but at least it's about running national infrastructure, not just enforcing bad laws.

[goatsfoot.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between "getting what you need out of the system" and "propping up the entire infrastructure".

Ne'er truer words were spoken. Anyone who doesn't think that will get incredibly obsessed with "purity" of actions and be an annoying judgemental activist type, for example, a rad feminist, who will get incredibly stressed tying themelves in knots, condemning just about anyone for doing just about anything.

I think some people go the other way with all or nothing thinking and think well, I need to sell out to get by so I may as well do anything. Like that colleague of yours. Or I suppose, if you're working in the sex industry, sometimes these choices need to be made. I guess (if I got the chance), there's types of porn I would not do. But of course if a person is desperate for money (generally not me) because of social inequality and considering doing something a bit dodgy, then I guess ethics-wise their needs have to be balanced against the possibly negative effects on others that their actions would cause. Hmm.

The Christian Conspiracy... ha ha. I'm no fan of organised Christianity, but I don't think it's particularly a conspiracy that 1950s morals are so prevalent.

[filkferengi]

Thanks for the insightful post. Stay safe [in or] out there.