trixtah | This one's doing the rounds again

But it's still funny, and I've put in some additions from members of the Polymatchmaker site. I've starred the ones that made me LOL, although virtually all of them make me smirk. And plenty of them apply to my mono experiences as well...

A POLYAMORY->ENGLISH PHRASE DICTIONARY

by rdb@blarg.net (plus two by Vamp and seven by RJ)

I don't use primary/secondary terminology, since I don't see my relationships as hierarchical.
You're a secondary.

For me sex is about energy, so breathing and heart connection are more important than ejaculation.
I'm more sophisticated than the guy over there, please sleep with me instead.

* I see polyamory as being more about relationships and intimacy, while swinging is just about sex, and sex without intimacy is just not where I'm at right now.
I'm more sophisticated than the guy over there, please sleep with me instead.

* The most important thing to me is keeping agreements.
If you start seeing someone else and I'd feel unsophisticated just saying that I'm jealous, then I'll reinterpret one of our agreements until I'm able to say you broke it.

Even secondary relationships for me aren't just about sex.
Secondary relationships for me are just about sex.

Right now the most important things to me are building poly family and intentional community.
I'm getting concerned that I won't always be able to easily find new partners, plus I'm tired of driving from place to place, and oh yeah, I'm more sophisticated than the guy over there, so please sleep with me instead.

* In our household, the most important things are open communication and open process.
Expect to be abused with passive-aggressive "I" statements.

I don't feel that we communicate on the same level, and that you aren't supporting me emotionally.
I'm tired of you but it would make me seem less sophisticated and hence reduce my opportunities for further sexual relationships in this community to actually say that so bluntly, so I'll make this about vague failings on your part instead.

* I think we should each have veto power.
I want to reserve the right to veto each of your partners, no matter how much they respect our existing relationships, so that you're de facto limited to monogamy while I play the field.

I think that we should focus on each other for a while.
I'm having more trouble finding partners than you are, time to clip your wings!

I want you to always feel OK telling me what's really going on in your life, and asking for what you need in this relationship.
Ask for what you need, and express hurt feelings, at your peril.

I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at myself, for not having recognized sooner that we weren't right for each other.
I'm angry at you for not making my life perfect, but rather than taking responsibility for setting and meeting my own goals I find it more satisfying to shift the blame to you while superficially appearing to do the opposite.

* Out of respect for our primary bond, we normally only see other people together.
MAYBE THIS TIME I'LL FINALLY GET TO HAVE SEX WITH TWO WOMEN AT ONCE OMG OMG OMG THAT WOULD BE L33T!!!!!

*** I think we need to process the end of our relationship and get closure.
I'd like to kick you while you're down.

We obviously need to work on our relationship.
We're through, I just want to vent a little more so that I can feel a little more self-righteous once you know it's over too, OK?

The idea of line marriage has always appealed to me.
The idea of having sex with people younger than me has always appealed to me.

* So, which conventions do you like to attend, what kind of books do you like to read, what are your spiritual beliefs, and what is your ideal occupation?
Which science fiction conventions do you like to attend, who is your favorite fantasy author, what form of neo-paganism do you ascribe do, and where in the computer industry would you like to work?

I'm needing to do some inner work, and instead of dating anyone would rather just work on my relationship with myself.
I'm tired of you, but since I don't have anyone else lined up right now I might as well get some mileage out of the personal growth angle.

* Well, I'm only theoretically poly, but I already have plenty of firmly-held beliefs about how it could be done in real life!
Hi, I'm an idiot.

Swinging would be way too crass for me, I'm more about relationships and emotional intimacy.
I've always wanted to go to New Horizons, could someone give me a ride there and guest me in, as long as I don't have to ask publicly?

* All of my partners are equally important to me, and they're all primary.
I'd rather not explicitly spell out what the heirarchy is, but trust me -- you'll know when you run into it.

Our friendship is more important than anything else.
Once you've told me that we're done fucking, you'll never hear a word from me again.

* I'm willing to take this slow as well.
I intend to act like a Sensitive New Age Guy and put as much pressure on you to put out as possible.

(The next seven courtesy of RJ.)

I've had to do a lot of work on that issue myself in my other relationships, and I'd be glad to help you with it if you want.
I've tried blaming all my other partners for my shit and they won't put up with it anymore.

I really admire the way you are able to speak up for your boundaries in your relationships.
If I'm going to get you to sleep with me, I'll have to be a cagey, manipulative bastard.

My other partners and I share a lot of interests but we do a lot of things separately, too.
None of my current partners will let me have anal sex with them -- will you?

* My partners and I follow our own unique spiritual path.
Please join our cult.

I've learned so much from all of my relationships.
...so I know not to tell you about my OSOs/mental illness/contagious diseases until after you're emotionally involved with me.

* I expect and give honest communication.
I will bludgeon you with my opinions whenever I feel like it and if you can't take it then you must have a problem with honesty.

I wish we could all just get along.
Give me what I want and no one gets hurt.

(from PMM members)

(GardenMinstrel)
You don't want me sleeping with him/her because you're not really poly.
I am *so* going to dump you the first time I find someone better, and you've got a lot of nerve to complain about it.

(Thizbee)
* I love you so much, and I just want to share that love with him as well
I just want you and him to fuck me at the same time.

(GameraGirl)
You need space? That is fine, I'm completely okay with that.
You neglected me once too often, I'm already interviewing your replacement(s).

For me sex is about energy, so breathing and heart connection are more important than orgasm.
I can't have a true orgasm without my vibrator, so I'll cover it up with this fake New Age explanation.

I think we should each have veto power.
You sleep with skanky people whenever my back is turned, so I have to protect you from yourself.

I want you to always feel OK telling me what's really going on in your life, and asking for what you need in this relationship.
You sleep with skanky people whenever my back is turned, so I have to protect you from yourself.

All of my partners are equally important to me, and they're all primary.
I'm waiting to see which one will prove to be the best bet for my future financial and emotional security.

Our friendship is more important than anything else.
EITHER, You're history, I'm already interviewing your replacement(s) OR I'm never ever going to sleep with you, so don't bother to think about it.

Right now the most important things to me are building poly family and intentional community.
Will you be my sugar daddy/momma and support me so I don't have to work for the rest of my life?

* I'm willing to take this slow as well.
I'm holding out for better offers...

My other partners and I share a lot of interests but we do a lot of things separately, too.
I'm a domme and I'm searching for a new sub, preferably one who will give me money as well.

I don't feel that we communicate on the same level, and that you aren't supporting me emotionally.
You were supposed to be my sugar daddy/momma and this isn't panning out for me OR I'm not getting laid enough.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

linaelyn.livejournal.com

This is the funniest damn thing I have read all YEAR.

Thank you for posting it.

(just cruising through on friendsfriends)

trixtah.livejournal.com

hee! Glad you enjoyed!

misslynx.livejournal.com

Here's a couple more for you:

I'd like to start seeing/doing X. Is that OK with you?
Please don't let the fact that I'm phrasing this as a question in order to be polite make you think that there's more than one possible answer, unless you want to be sleeping on the couch for the next three months.

I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with you seeing/doing X, but if it's important to you then I guess that's OK. It's probably just my issue and I need to work through it.
I do not, under any circumstances, want you seeing/doing X, but I don't have the self-confidence to just come right out and say so, so I expect you to read my mind instead.