On why I am a "bad" poly person

[trixtah]

I've been pondering how I interact in the poly sense. Most people I know of into poly relationships appear to be into a whole "family" ethos, and that's not a trope that's ever appealed to me. Having a communal-type situation where everyone has sex or is "involved" with everyone else gives me the squicks, and that seems to be a common-ish model as well. Community living is fine by me, but my sex life is private, thank you.

Let me be frank: I don't actually care what is happening between my SO and her (it's generally going to be a "her") SO. Now let me qualify: I care for her wellbeing (excessively so, normally); I care that everything is happy and healthy in her other relationship(s); I want to support her through any rough times she might be having, whatever those rough times may be. But I don't care to be involved in her relationships with her partners, other than the ordinary ones of friendliness, respect and consideration.

If I ever was to form a triad-type relationship with the other partner, I feel fairly certain that I would be maintaining my relationship with the other SO fairly separately. I'm not exactly sure, since it's not a situation I've been in. I'm prepared to seriously eat my words if the situation ever comes about. The reason I think it wouldn't is that I normally have quite different taste in potential partners to my SOs - I can honestly say I wouldn't be attracted to me, for example!

I've always prided myself on my ability to feel "compersion" and my fairly definite lack of jealousy. But I think those two traits might come about from essential selfishness. Compersion is very much in line with my feeling that no one person can be everything for someone else. For example, if my lover wants to exercise her kinks (whatever they may be) and goes elsewhere to do it, great! I don't have to display a vast lack of technique and enthusiasm (actually, in that situation, I do to conjure up enthusiasm - it'd be churlish not to), she gets fulfilment, and I get her to stay with me as well. Win-win. And whatever makes her happy makes me happy. It's less stressful all round. Lack of jealousy - well, if I don't get involved with the other SOs, I have enough quality time with my partner, and I feel reasonably secure - what is there to be jealous about?

On the flip side, I get horribly resentful if things come up with her other relationship which impinge on mine. Simple things like having to cancel previously-made arrangements really irk me. Especially when it happens frequently. (Do I need to qualify that by saying naturally things happen unexpectedly from time to time to make arrangements fall through, and I have no problem with that?) I hate broken promises. I don't like it when my SO is permanently attached to her SO - I have to visit at their house, on their schedule etc etc etc. I bitterly resent having the SO schedule my time with my partner. Yes, I understand the need for compromise in a relationship, but not when it breaks into our arrangements, or makes it effectively impossible to make those arrangements in the first place. Why the hell be poly if you need to control every second of your partner's time? Why not decide what you are and are not willing to do before getting entangled with another person? I know things can change, but that's normally patently obvious - and a separate issue.

I think that all comes down to the fact that I am not a 100% altruistic person. Far from it. And the primary/secondary model doesn't particularly work for me, especially when I'm a secondary. Some of the above ramblings are about what's going on for me now, but some of them are along the lines of abstract speculation. The situation I'm currently in certainly has been food for thought, though. It's also definitely a exercise in learning my boundaries and limitations. And limits of patience.

Comments

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Sounds pretty normal to me. Maybe the one-big-family-types just talk more. Or maybe we're getting old. Or both.

I admit, much as I don't like the primary/secondary model in theory? In practice, well... I'm very married. And I plan to stay that way.

Really, I get irked when something messes with my plans, and that's about it.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

You might be right about the one-big-family-types being more chatty about their set-up. The getting old thing... well, yes. :-)

Really, with the primary/secondary model, it's absolutely it comes to describing actual levels of commitment and relative time spent with partners - totally egalitarian situations seem as rare as hen's teeth, and are not one of my "must haves". I find myself quite content with seeing my partner once a week or two.

What really bugs me is when there seems to be primary/secondary levels of respect going on. And yeah, the plans being messed with is symptomatic of that, and is actually my biggest gripe.

Glad to know that I'm not as peculiar about the whole thing as I was beginning to believe!

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

...with the primary/secondary model, it's absolutely fine when it comes to describing ...

It's 2:30am, I've been at work since 11pm after working a full day, I need untangle my typing fingers... Home now!

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

You might be right about the one-big-family-types being more chatty about their set-up.

I've started avoiding all online poly communities. POETS ALONE SHOULD KISS AND TELL, DAMMIT.

... not sure how serious about that I am.

And I suppose I experience fewer things as 'poly issues' these days.

You know, I have Issues with one of Ian's gfs. And she with me. I suppose this could be a poly problem. It WOULD be a poly problem, if I hadn't been poly for a long time, because I'd have to sort out how to handle it with Ian.

But it's really not a poly problem.

I'm not jealous. I just don't like her.

I try to treat her with as much courtesy and respect as I try to show everyone, and he doesn't bring her around me much and it's all good.

What really bugs me is when there seems to be primary/secondary levels of respect going on

Ergh, ya, that one.

That's just intrinsically messed up in any situation, IMO.

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

I'm always impressed by people who can maintain polyamory, in any form. It's something that never seemed possible with any of my relationships, and I sometimes wonder if it's because I always made assumptions about the other person's limits. I've never really had mine tested, in the sense of personal space impinged upon.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

It's interesting what assumptions we do make. I thought I was a slut with bad boundaries who had crushes on all my friends until I really-and-truly fell in love with two people simultaneously. Then I discovered that the lack-of-jealousy thing I've always had has its uses. :-)

As for the two women I fell for back then, it was pretty horrific. They were in love with me, I was in love with them, each of them wanted all my time... It didn't work for them, mainly because of the exclusivity issue - neither of them had doubts about the depth of my commitment to them.

My current g/f gets incredibly jealous - but since she's probably "more" poly than I am (being a HBB) - she deals with it so that she can have the type of relationships that she wants. Really, she should have a mixed-sex harem. :-) Also, she cracks me up, she totally believes that ALL bi people should be poly - how else does one get one's girl-juice? (or boy-juice? whatever you aren't shacked up with).

It's hard to know how you're going to react when your partner steps out. I certainly get my insecurities tweaked when it's all new and fresh. I think if you got physically jealous, it'd be pretty difficult. Things like arranging time and relationship structure seem to be pretty negotiable once you've got the jealousy hurdle out the way, and you know you're all on the same page expectation-wise (easier said than done, sometimes, though!).

I wouldn't say I wish I was mono - because I don't - but I think it's a lot easier. I wouldn't pursue this lifestyle unless it gave me something I miss otherwise (like the queer thing, pretty much).

[saluqi.livejournal.com]

It's not, I think, that you are a bad poly person; you would know this already ;-)

I do think tho' that there is a kind of unhappy meeting place between some poly communication mantras on the one hand, and unequal power relationships and poly structures on the other. By that I mean all that chattiness is often about enforcing group boundaries and power relationships, not about happy equitable poly communication and good faith compromises.

Some people think that protecting the core unit at the expense of others is acceptable; I don't. I reckon if you have to do it that way, you've no business being poly. I rarely express that view in spaces with a large amount of poly folk because I usually then get people barking at me about how important their marriages are. What. Ever.

I don't actually think it's healthy to be 100 per cent altruistic and the way you do poly seems similar to the way we do it, and your reasons seem similar to mine. If you want to coredump at someone over lunch at any point just give me a yell.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Yes, you're right on about the group boundaries thing. I've always found it strange how people police those boundaries. I mean, we all do, with our various groups, but I simply don't get some of the methods that some people employ.

It's nice to know that some people don't think the core group is the "holy of holies". One of the hardest things I had to get over in the poly sense was that a person in a pre-existing relationship is (theoretically) available to me. So it's very easy to knock me back on those grounds, while intellectually I think it's a pile of steaming poo.

And no, being 100% altruistic and "wuving the whole world" seems pretty cocked up to me. Thank you muchly for the offer of ventage... I might take you up on it one day - but this rant, and finding kindred spirits, has helped. :-)

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

I'm with commodorified re: the talky groups. I think many of them have scared away a lot of the poly people who are quietly, sanely getting on with their lives. There's probably also something to what she said about "we're getting old" ... I know that a decade ago, my interests in intentional communities and poly were all tangled up together, and it's taken me a while to realise that they are separable, and that I would probably prefer them to stay that way.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Hah, yes, I wish those sane types were a little bit more visible (eeek! I feel the term "silent majority" quivering in my brain. Out! Out!)

It's funny that I never conflated the ideas of communes and relationships, quite possibly because near where I lived as a child, there was a notorious commune based on that. They also made child sexual activity with adults one of their tenets. Ick.

I like the modern co-op housing models where you have your own space, and you can mix and match as you see fit. Much like my model of relationships, actually. :-D

[saluqi.livejournal.com]

Yes.

There are other separations my naive over-romantic younger self didn't value as well. For example, the idea of living with someone I have a BDSM relationship with is definitely out these days. Living with the Bear = good. Doing BDSM = good. Combining a live in relationship with BDSM = fx of a door slamming and feet running into the distance.

I find it hard to explain this brain wiring to people who are always going for that living together marriage like goal tho', whether in a BDSM, poly, and/or queer relationship. I've always guessed that it was about seeking the highest recognisable affirmation for a relationship, but maybe there really is a collective nesting gene. I seem only to have the insular come and visit my nest on the weekend and then go away gene ;-)