Sudden realisations
Jul. 30th, 2006 01:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trixtahI was just reflecting on the fact that I've been unusually diffident in pursuing my lust objects these last few years. I burbled on about that here quite recently. Since I am most certainly more confident and sure of I want in a lover, I started to wonder just why that has been the case lately.
I was reminded of being in my early twenties... not sure what the rules were and not knowing how to put myself forward. Since I'm now in my late 30s, and actually, I think I do have a reasonably decent grasp of those two things (when I am consciously out to impress someone), it seemed odd and back-slidery.
So, just now (ruminating on stuff when you're trying to sleep is silly, really), I got it. Claiming the poly label is a relatively new thing for me. I really don't suffer jealousy myself, and I also think I have a pretty good set of boundaries when it comes to handling my relationships. However. All the people I've been interested in over the last few years in the poly context have been involved with someone else. And that's my sticking point.
Even when I was trying the mono thing, and yet still having stupid affairs (which caused breakups, since I am not a liar in that sense), there was no way in hell I went after someone who had a partner. The one time I did sleep with someone who was still involved with someone else, I felt as sick as hell when I found out. And that was a boundary I was extremely vigorous in policing. There is an ex of mine I still find attactive, and again, I feel guilty about that because she is with someone else. The biggest thing for me to get over the poly sense has been just that; that it is ok to be with someone who has another partner.
Well, I thought that having identified that issue, I was alright with it. However, I just twigged that I haven't just suddenly lost my knack of taking the initiative in the last 3 years - one person in particular I had no problems making a pass at, but, hahah!, she wasn't involved elsewhere. So, there you go, there is some wierd guilt thing still operating on the subconscious level somewhere. Once I've gotten over the "yeah, I fancy you too" hump, and it's all on, I'm fine. It's an odd place to have residue, though.
I was reminded of being in my early twenties... not sure what the rules were and not knowing how to put myself forward. Since I'm now in my late 30s, and actually, I think I do have a reasonably decent grasp of those two things (when I am consciously out to impress someone), it seemed odd and back-slidery.
So, just now (ruminating on stuff when you're trying to sleep is silly, really), I got it. Claiming the poly label is a relatively new thing for me. I really don't suffer jealousy myself, and I also think I have a pretty good set of boundaries when it comes to handling my relationships. However. All the people I've been interested in over the last few years in the poly context have been involved with someone else. And that's my sticking point.
Even when I was trying the mono thing, and yet still having stupid affairs (which caused breakups, since I am not a liar in that sense), there was no way in hell I went after someone who had a partner. The one time I did sleep with someone who was still involved with someone else, I felt as sick as hell when I found out. And that was a boundary I was extremely vigorous in policing. There is an ex of mine I still find attactive, and again, I feel guilty about that because she is with someone else. The biggest thing for me to get over the poly sense has been just that; that it is ok to be with someone who has another partner.
Well, I thought that having identified that issue, I was alright with it. However, I just twigged that I haven't just suddenly lost my knack of taking the initiative in the last 3 years - one person in particular I had no problems making a pass at, but, hahah!, she wasn't involved elsewhere. So, there you go, there is some wierd guilt thing still operating on the subconscious level somewhere. Once I've gotten over the "yeah, I fancy you too" hump, and it's all on, I'm fine. It's an odd place to have residue, though.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-29 07:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-30 02:53 am (UTC)Since I personally know I get different things from different people, not being able to quite process that one on my own behalf is somewhat bizarre. O.o
(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-30 08:05 am (UTC)*waits for the pun police to arrest me*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-30 12:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-01 07:00 pm (UTC)"You've already got a fab partner, what do you want me for?"
Because you also are fab, and a lot of polyfolk are greedy like that?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-06 09:43 am (UTC)As for fabness and greediness, actually, I'm happy that my partners are that way themselves. Hee! Lucky me!