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trixtah(Apropos of nothing I want to discuss right now)
As an adult, one's life is full of choices. One makes them after (hopefully) adequate consideration and due faith, and one deals with the consequences. Often choices mean a whole raft of implications that one didn't consider beforehand. No-one is omniscient. So the other part of being an adult is dealing with the consequences and the unforseen implications of those choices.
"Dealing with" stuff can be done in different ways. One, of course, is total avoidance. Another is being able to smoothly handle any resulting situation because you instinctively know the best approach, or because it's similar to something you've dealt with before. Quite often, though, you deal with unforeseen results with some kind of coping process until you have it sorted. Or else you don't cope at all, so the best thing there is to exit from the situation as quickly and gracefully as possible.
Coping is hard. It needs to be a finite process, at least in regard to a specific stimulus (since all of life involves choices, we're generally coping with at least one thing at a time). We evolve mechanisms which enable us to cope, which others may or may not have any sympathy with, and which may be more or less effective. We make mistakes, and can take a while to make up lost ground. However, there should be a sense of progression to the situation one is coping with: that one is adjusting to the demands involved; or, that one is carrying out the necessary actions to resolve the situation, to bring it to its finite end.
When we're in a coping process, it can be hard to sense our progression. The mechanisms which we use to cope may sometimes actively hinder, or others can fail to see how they can possibly work. If we do make some kind of internal changes, it can take a while for the external actions to catch up. Because an external observer probably has a very different coping style, they may not see any change at all. Or it may not be fast enough, or complete enough for them. But one may rely on those same external observers to give us feedback, or even to provide a threshing floor to sort out those implications.
So I find those people whose contribution to that kind of thing is "you made your bed, you lie in it" deeply unhelpful. Yes, telling someone you think they're stuck and they need to get out of a situation is helpful. Or that they need to move forward from that particular sticking point. Telling them a coping mechanism is actively counter-productive is helpful. Telling them you find that particular mechanism wearying can be helpful. Telling them that you're not responsible for their issues and they need to help themselves can be essential. Telling them that they have done this same thing umpteen times before, and it's about time they started to learn is also helpful.
Failure to acknowlege the progress someone has made is not helpful. Nor is identifying a non-existent problem. Nor is critiquing someone's coping mechanism without offering a better solution.
Unless someone is actively not coping, kicking their feet from under them in such a way while they're trying to move towards their goal is counter-productive, to say the least. It makes them reluctant to trust you with relevant information in the future (thus further distorting any perspectives you may have on the situation), and either tends to make them more risk-adverse in the future, or conversely more reckless and certainly much less likely to listen to input.
Thank you for the ventage (coping mechanism #1).
As an adult, one's life is full of choices. One makes them after (hopefully) adequate consideration and due faith, and one deals with the consequences. Often choices mean a whole raft of implications that one didn't consider beforehand. No-one is omniscient. So the other part of being an adult is dealing with the consequences and the unforseen implications of those choices.
"Dealing with" stuff can be done in different ways. One, of course, is total avoidance. Another is being able to smoothly handle any resulting situation because you instinctively know the best approach, or because it's similar to something you've dealt with before. Quite often, though, you deal with unforeseen results with some kind of coping process until you have it sorted. Or else you don't cope at all, so the best thing there is to exit from the situation as quickly and gracefully as possible.
Coping is hard. It needs to be a finite process, at least in regard to a specific stimulus (since all of life involves choices, we're generally coping with at least one thing at a time). We evolve mechanisms which enable us to cope, which others may or may not have any sympathy with, and which may be more or less effective. We make mistakes, and can take a while to make up lost ground. However, there should be a sense of progression to the situation one is coping with: that one is adjusting to the demands involved; or, that one is carrying out the necessary actions to resolve the situation, to bring it to its finite end.
When we're in a coping process, it can be hard to sense our progression. The mechanisms which we use to cope may sometimes actively hinder, or others can fail to see how they can possibly work. If we do make some kind of internal changes, it can take a while for the external actions to catch up. Because an external observer probably has a very different coping style, they may not see any change at all. Or it may not be fast enough, or complete enough for them. But one may rely on those same external observers to give us feedback, or even to provide a threshing floor to sort out those implications.
So I find those people whose contribution to that kind of thing is "you made your bed, you lie in it" deeply unhelpful. Yes, telling someone you think they're stuck and they need to get out of a situation is helpful. Or that they need to move forward from that particular sticking point. Telling them a coping mechanism is actively counter-productive is helpful. Telling them you find that particular mechanism wearying can be helpful. Telling them that you're not responsible for their issues and they need to help themselves can be essential. Telling them that they have done this same thing umpteen times before, and it's about time they started to learn is also helpful.
Failure to acknowlege the progress someone has made is not helpful. Nor is identifying a non-existent problem. Nor is critiquing someone's coping mechanism without offering a better solution.
Unless someone is actively not coping, kicking their feet from under them in such a way while they're trying to move towards their goal is counter-productive, to say the least. It makes them reluctant to trust you with relevant information in the future (thus further distorting any perspectives you may have on the situation), and either tends to make them more risk-adverse in the future, or conversely more reckless and certainly much less likely to listen to input.
Thank you for the ventage (coping mechanism #1).
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-29 10:17 am (UTC)1) To see the situation as it really is; totally objectively, uncolored by my own wants, desires, prejudices, delusions, fantasies, etc.
2) To see myself exactly as I am, again totally objectively, without the coloring and filtering (and blurring) that usually goes on when we look at ourselves.
I find that in the very few rare times that I can see both of these things as they are at that particular point in time, everything else, whether it be solutions, resolutions, resignations, whether it involves people or just circumstances, seem to become very apparent. There may still be lots of work to do, or pain to accept, but the real hard part is over.
I suppose you could say that I'm spending the rest of my life learning to see things (and myself) as they really are.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-29 10:30 am (UTC)Total objectivity, hm. That's a hard one, and certainly something I don't ever expect to achieve. Trying for it is bound to be a worthwhile exercise, tho'. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-29 10:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-29 10:56 am (UTC)There was a time in my life when both my best friend and I were going out with people who were just terrible for us, and thus, we were making crappy choices each day we stayed with the persons in question and put up with their bullshit. Each of us could see that in the other, we could even see it in ourselves but we weren't yet ready to kick the crappy relationships to the kerb.
So we alternatively listened sympathetically, and got cranky with each other. What saved the friendship was the fact that we'd already seen girlfriends come and go, and we knew that eventually we would pick ourselves up and be the women we wanted to be, the women we should be, even.
So while the progression may not have been obvious (You went back to her? What? Are you crazy?! *Bangs head on table*. *Makes tea*) there was faith that the progression was there on some level. An important part of that was the mutual understanding of the places one finds oneself before one can take the steps one needs to take.
It was a real lesson for me about patience. It was also a lesson for me about how to help my friends have patience with me.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-29 11:20 am (UTC)Darn it. That was meant as respect for your boundaries and personal stuff, it was not meant to come over as "I don't care". I hope you find peace with whatever is on your mind, and you know where I am if I'd be a useful person to talk to.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-29 12:09 pm (UTC)That's it exactly. It's normally evident if someone is completely derailing in some fashion, and that's a completely different kettle of fish. Faith and patience, for the usual fuckups one makes, indeed.
Yay for the very relevant input. My post was abstract-ish because I was triggered about that wider issue, that of understanding how people's choices, progression on issues, and growth in general tend to take place in their own ways and times. And having that understood by all parties. It's the getting my friends to have patience with me part I find a little challenging... or, the not wearing that patience out part, perhaps. :-)
I totally understood what you meant about not needing to know the trigger. I might unpack it some more for you when I get a bit more background, but it's not an angsty thing (right now). Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-03 04:12 am (UTC)Insightful post! I'd be glad to listen, if you want to share more.