Poly and swinging and what's the diff?

[trixtah]

I love it when some (few, thank god) people in the poly community get all holier-than-thou about the fact they're into the relationship, and "heart connection". Apparently, it's not about the sex.
What crap. Of course it's about the sex. Otherwise you'd be living in a commune, or having intense friendships, or whatever. Partner don't need to be actually having sex, but who your partner is having sex with matters.

The only thing that truly differentiates poly people from swingers is that polys admit the fact that emotions do tend to be involved when you're having sex with people. Actually, swingers admit that too, but their mechanism tends to be that of avoiding the whole issue by making rules whose length and complexity wouldn't be out of place in a monastery: sex only when I'm present; sex only with the same sex; sex is only to be m/f/f (rule of certain "high class" swinger parties in London); sex only when you're out of town; sex only when involved in a bdsm scene; no sex with friends; no sex with anyone you know at all; etc etc etc.

Of course, you get those on the "right wing" of the poly world who make as many rules as the swingers in terms of who, when and how. It seems that the poly-fi groupings are most susceptible to it. I've always been intrigued as to how they involve new partners. "Oh, we only have sex with someone who has potential to join our clan." Um, yes, that explains why you've individually and collectively had sex with half-a-dozen potentials in the last year. (True story).

Also, speaking of poly-fis (not my favourite relationship model, you may gather), is it just my experience of them, or do they seem to be somewhat friendship-challenged? I seem to know (and know of) quite a number of poly-fis who don't have any real friends outside their group. Similar to those who need a third (or whatever) to make them "complete". Those individuals seem to have a dearth of friends as well. I can kind of understand if you're living in a conservative small town, and you're the only polys around, but surely your friends don't have to be poly too?

Or is the reason you're poly-fi because you aren't really into having friends? Because, I don't know. They're too emotionally demanding? And if you're in a relationship, rather than "just" a friendship, you get to make rules (and thus control how you relate to each other)? I dunno, it might just be an imaginary correlation on my part, but I am curious as to why.

Anyway, what it boils down to is that you're capable of having a sexual relationship with more than one person. The gap between swingers and polys is not as large as some would try and have you believe (on either side of the fence).

Comments

[ataniell93.livejournal.com]

This all sounds so depressingly familiar.

If I met people like the ones in Marna's fics or mine, I'd not have given up on it...

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

It certainly helps if you've been involved with the saner types. Also, respect, consideration and politeness go a long way too.

From what you've said, those three things were in pretty short supply with the poly people you encountered. Which is a shame, because it's always nicer to decide how you feel about something on its own merits, not because of the tosspots you encountered in relation to it.

[saluqi.livejournal.com]

I can't jam everything I have to say about this into a single comment, but essentially part of the reason I decided on poly (I don't consider it an identity) is because I want to handle things on a case by case basis rather than according to an established pattern when interesting people come into my life. Life is short and you're dead a long time etc etc. That could mean sex or not, depending.

I rapidly discovered that this is not how many people do poly. However, as I have bugger all interest in the majority poly profile out there (he het, she bi, looking for a convenient HBB with vetos) and live here in sunny Canberra it's all a bit academic anyway. At least courtesy of polyamory and the message boards on PMM I can see I'm not missing out on much in The Official Poly Communities.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Word. I find it interesting how many prate the "love without limits" line, and then promptly impose many explicit and undeclared rules - "twoo" poly is only what The Great God Heinlein said, or the scenario you mention, or blah de blah.

For me, too, it's about the individuals I have relationships with, on whatever level. "Poly" is the best label so far, but I do wish it didn't have quite so much baggage.

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

I think I've seen more of the sort of weirdass prescriptivism and hypocritical doublethink in the BDSM community than the poly scene. But then, I've been more involved with the "organised" BDSM scene than the "organised" poly scene.

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

I'm not terribly surprised about some prescriptivism in the bdsm scene. There is that section of the community that are very much into the ritualistic aspect ("high protocol" and the like), and I tend to conflate a great reliance on ritual with a great reliance on control.

And if there are control freaks around, there are bizarro "rules" and plenty of instances of double-think syndrome. *sigh*. I think that the (non-bdsm) polys that indulge in that behaviour are just more passive-aggressive about it (you know, the potential-Moonie-recruits who genuinely believe they "love everyone"; it's just that those other people have issues and aren't open).

I really have no patience for any of it, no matter what "community" the offenders align themselves with. The worst police state I ever ended up in was the Michigan "Womyn's" Music Festival... (long story, never again).

[trystan777.livejournal.com]

Please recount that story one more time, I would like to hear it. I found your journal through a google blog search and this entry has intrigued me. May I add you and peruse past/future entries?

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

Eh, I really don't want to recount old history at the MWMF. I attended with someone whom I never even want to think about any more... :-/

Feel free to read through my journal - 95% of it is public. I probably won't add you - I tend to want to avoid lots of surveys in my friendslist.

But thanks for your interest! :-)

[trystan777.livejournal.com]

Coolio, I'm not really an LJ post spammer, nor am I old hand at it. But I do like to peruse ;) take care.
Oh, and I believe in serendipity, if that means anything to you.